From b1d39a80f2eeb87eb6d9406573cb24894c1f9fd5 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: jluehrs2 Date: Mon, 12 May 2008 02:53:17 -0500 Subject: add fortune databases to the repo, to avoid differences in packages being available on different systems --- fortune/calvin | 405 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 1 file changed, 405 insertions(+) create mode 100644 fortune/calvin (limited to 'fortune/calvin') diff --git a/fortune/calvin b/fortune/calvin new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2476c29 --- /dev/null +++ b/fortune/calvin @@ -0,0 +1,405 @@ + That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't +good enough for me! I demand euphoria! -- Calvin +% + The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure pure reasoning, and +inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and +impenetrable fog! -- Calvin +% + Calvin: I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius. Hobbes: What's +misunderstood about you? Calvin: Nobody thinks I'm a genius. -- Calvin +% + Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test. -- Calvin +% + Calvin: Can you make a living playing silly games? His Dad: Actually, you +can be among the most overpaid people on the planet. +% + If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it +again. -- Calvin +% + The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no real +application in life. -- Calvin +% + Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best +of the choices available. Some people are idealists, standing for principle and +refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any whim that enters their +heads. I pragmatically turn my whims into principles! -- Calvin +% + Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in +the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. -- Calvin +% + It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool. + -- Calvin +% + The real fun of living wisely is that you get to be smug about it. + -- Calvin +% + Calvin: Know what I pray for? Hobbes: What? Calvin: The strength to change +what I can, the inability to accept what I can't, and the incapacity to tell +the difference. -- Calvin +% + I say, if your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to +seriously re-examine your life. -- Calvin +% + But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the old gods! He demands +sacrifice! -- Calvin +% + It's psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw. + -- Calvin +% + Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous? + -- Calvin +% + Hobbes: What would you call the creation of the universe? + Calvin: The Horrendous Space Kablooie! +% + If something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then +it's probably not worth knowing anyway. -- Calvin +% + Who wouldn't be interested in everything we do?! + -- Calvin +% + I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each +other's dreams, we can play together all night. -- Calvin +% + This one's tricky. You have to use imaginary numbers, like eleventeen ... + -- Hobbes +% + You can present the material, but you can't make me care. + -- Calvin +% + YAAH! DEATH TO OATMEAL! + -- Calvin +% + From now on, I'll connect the dots my own way. + -- Calvin +% + I'm learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life ... +Procrastinating and rationalizing. -- Calvin +% + Reality continues to ruin my life. + -- Calvin +% + Calvin: Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. +I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Hobbes: Probably so we can think +twice. +% + I liked things better when I didn't understand them. + -- Calvin +% + Is it a right to remain ignorant? + -- Calvin +% + I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less +distraction. -- Calvin +% + Miss Wormwood: What state do you live in? + Calvin: Denial. + Miss Wormwood: I don't suppose I can argue with that... +% + What's the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody +ever asks to see 'em? -- Calvin +% + My life needs a rewind/erase button. + -- Calvin +% + Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely +pointless. -- Calvin +% + You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help. + -- Calvin +% + I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a cruel +trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the +magnitude of it. -- Calvin +% + Susie: You'd get a good grade without doing any work. + Calvin: So? + Susie: It's wrong to get rewards you haven't earned. + Calvin: I've never heard of anyone who couldn't live with that. +% + If you couldn't find any weirdness, maybe we'll just have to make some! + -- Calvin +% + "MOM, CAN I SET FIRE TO MY BED MATTRESS?" "No, Calvin." "CAN I RIDE MY +TRICYCLE ON THE ROOF?" "No, Calvin." "Then can I have a cookie?" "No, Calvin." +("She's on to me.") +% + I like to say "quark"! Quark, quark, quark, quark! + -- Calvin +% + I don't need to compromise my principles, because they don't have the +slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway. -- Calvin +% + For your information, I'm staying like this, and everyone else can just get +used to it! If people don't like me the way I am, well TOUGH BEANS! It's a free +country! I don't need anyone's permission to be the way I want! This is how I +am - Take it or leave it! -- Calvin +% + Know what I pray for? The strength to change what I can, the inability to +accept what I can't and the incapacity to tell the difference. -- Calvin +% + As usual, goodness hardly puts up a fight. + -- Calvin +% + If we don't all watch the same TV, what will keep our culture homogeneous? + -- Calvin +% + My behaviour is addictive functioning in a disease process of toxic +co-dependency. I need holistic healing and wellness before I'll accept any +responsibility for my actions. -- Calvin +% + My family is dysfunctional and my parents won't empower me. Consequently +I'm not self actualized. -- Calvin +% + Nothing I do is my fault. + -- Calvin +% + Why should I have to work for everything? It's like saying that I don't +deserve it. -- Calvin +% + Why do we drink cow's milk? Who was the first guy who first looked at a cow +and said "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze +'em!"? -- Calvin +% + Hobbes : What if the public doesn't like your work? + Calvin : They are not supposed to like it. This is avant-garde stuff! + I'm criticizing the low brows who can't appreciate great art + like this! +% + I don't need to compromise my principles, because they don't have the +slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway. -- Calvin +% + The dame was hysterical. Dames Usually are. -- Calvin as Tracer Bullet +% + Thank you. before I begin, I'd like everyone to notice that my report is in +a professional, clear plastic binder...When a report looks this good, you know +it'll get an A. That's a tip kids. Write it down. -- Calvin +% + Calvin : I think we have got enough information now, don't you? + Hobbes : All we have is one "fact" that you made up. + Calvin : That's plenty. By the time we add an introduction, a few + illustrations and a conclusion, it'll look like a graduate thesis. +% + Wormwood : Calvin, how about you? + Calvin : Hard to say ma'am. I think my cerebellum just fused. +% + If you want to stay dad you've got to polish your image. I think the image +we need to create for you is "repentant but learning". -- Calvin +% + "Dad buried in landslide! Jubilant throngs fill streets! Stunned father +inconsolable - demands recount!" -- Calvin +% + Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly +we wake up and see all the mistakes we have made. But it is too late to change +anything. -- Calvin +% + Sometimes it seems things go by too quickly. We are so busy watching out for +what's just ahead of us that we don't take the time to enjoy where we are. + -- Calvin +% + Hobbes : Well, you still have afternoons and weekends + Calvin : That's when I watch TV. +% + Hobbes : Shouldn't we read the instructions? + Calvin : Do I look like a sissy? +% + You know what we need, Hobbes? We need an attitude. Yeah, you can't be cool +if you don't have an attitude. -- Calvin +% + Why can't I ever build character at a Miami condo or a casino somewhere? + -- Calvin +% + Sometimes one should just look at things and think about things without +doing things. -- Calvin +% + What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with lassie? A melon-collie +baby! Get it?? HA HA HA OH OH HA HA! -- Calvin +% + Hobbes : How is the diorama coming along? + Calvin : I'm almost finished. + Hobbes : I don't see the roadrunner. Weren't you going to put one in? + Calvin : See the cotton balls I glued down? + Hobbes : Yeah? + Calvin : The roadrunner just ran out of the scene leaving behind clouds + of dust! +% + It must be awful to be a girl. I'm sure it's frustrating knowing that men +are bigger, stronger and better at abstract thought than women. Really, if you +are a girl, what would make you go on living? --Calvin, Dictator-For-Life, of +GROSS (Get Rid Of Slimy girlS) +% + There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want. + -- Calvin +% + Golly, I'd hate to have a kid like me! + -- Calvin +% + This is so cool I've to go to the bathroom. + -- Calvin +% + I imagine girls and bugs have a dim perception that nature played a cruel +trick on them but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude +of it. -- Calvin +% + Dad are you vicariously living through me in the hope that my +accomplishments will validate your mediocre life and in some way compensate for +all the opportunities you botched ? -- Calvin +% + If you care, you just get disappointed all the time. If you don't care +nothing matters so you are never upset. -- Calvin +% + Life is full of surprises but never when you need one. + -- Calvin +% + I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and +happiness. -- Calvin +% + "The dynamics of inter-being and mono logical imperatives in Dick and Jane : +A study in psychic transrelational gender modes". Academia, here I come. + -- Calvin +% + Miss Wormwood : Calvin where was the Byzantine empire? + Calvin : I'll take "outer planets" for $100. +% + How many boards would the Mongols hoard if the Mongol hordes got bored? + -- Calvin +% + I thrive on change... I thrive on making other people change. + -- Calvin +% + Be careful or be road-kill. + -- Calvin +% + A good compromise leaves everyone mad. + -- Calvin +% + Given that sooner or later we're all just going to die, what's the point of +learning about integers? -- Calvin +% + Miss Wormwood, could we arrange our seats in a little circle and have a +little discussion? Specifically, I'd like to debate whether cannibalism ought +to be grounds for leniency in murders since it is less wasteful. + -- Calvin +% + The only skills I have patience to learn are those that have no real +application in life. -- Calvin +% + "You don't get to be mom if you can't fix everything just right." -Calvin +% + "Who can fathom the feminine mind?" -Calvin "I like `em anyway" -Hobbes +% + "If people could put rainbows in zoos, they'd do it." -Hobbes +% + "Summer is butter on your chin and corn mush between every tooth." -Calvin +% + "If we wanted more leisure, we'd invent machines that do things less +efficiently." -Calvin's dad +% + "To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible." -Calvin +% + "When life gives you a lemon, make lemonade." -Susie "I say, when life gives +you a lemon, wing it right back and add some lemons of your own!" -Calvin +% + "If good things lasted forever, would we appreciate how precious they are?" +-Hobbes +% + "But the important thing is persistence." -Calvin trying to juggle eggs +% + "I suppose the secret to happiness is learning to appreciate the moment." +-Calvin +% + "Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely +pointless." -Calvin +% + "It's hard to be mad at someone who misses you while you're asleep." -Calvin +% + "Oops, I always forget the purpose of competition is to divide people into +winners and losers." -Hobbes being sarcastic +% + "Someday I'll write my own philosophy book." -Calvin +% + "Some things don't need the thought people give them." -Hobbes +% + "Mom knows EVERYTHING" -Calvin +% + "I'm a simple man with complex tastes." -Calvin +% + "Endorsing products is the American way of expressing individuality." +-Calvin +% + "One of the joys of being a kid is that experiences are new and therefore +more intense." -Calvin sniffing mustard +% + "It's great to have a friend who appreciates an earnest discussion of +ideas." -Calvin +% + "That's the problem with science. You've got a bunch of empiricists trying +to describe things of unimaginable wonder." -Calvin +% + "All this modern technology just makes people try to do everything at once." +-Hobbes +% + "I suppose if we couldn't laugh at things that don't make sense, we couldn't +react to a lot of life." -Hobbes +% + "I don't understand this! Not a single part of my horoscope came true! ... +The paper should print Mom's daily predictions. Those sure come true." +-Calvin +% + "I don't know which is worse, ...that everyone has his price, or that the +price is always so low." -Calvin +% + "I propose we leave math to the machines and go play outside." + --- Calvin +% + It takes an uncommon mind to think of these things. + --- Calvin +% + "That's the problem with nature, something's always stinging you + or oozing mucous all over you. Let's go and watch TV." + --- Calvin +% + As a math atheist, I think I should be excused from this. + --- Calvin, to Hobbes +% + This game lends itself to certain abuses. + --- Calvin +% + I'm just very selective about the reality I choose to accept. + --- Calvin +% + I have plenty of common sense, I just choose to ignore it. + --- Calvin +% + A voice crackles in Calvin's radio: + "Enemy fighters at two o'clock!" + "Roger. What should I do until then?" +% + I'm looking for something that can deliver a 50-pound payload of snow + on a small feminine target. Can you suggest something? Hello...? + --- Calvin +% + "My ethicator machine must've had a built-in moral compromise + spectral release phantasmatron! I'm a genius!" --- Calvin +% + "That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of + empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder." + --- Calvin +% + "Until you stalk and overrun, you can't devour anyone." + --- Hobbes +% + "The inside of my head was exploding with fireworks. Fortunately, + my last thought turned out the lights when it left." + --- Calvin +% + "Mom and dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I + believe in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it." + --- Calvin +% + Verbing weirds language. + --- Calvin. +% + "The intrepid Spaceman Spiff is stranded on a distant planet! + ..our hero ruefully acknowledges that this happens fairly + frequently.." --- Calvin and Hobbes -- cgit v1.2.3-54-g00ecf