Mal: "We're not gonna die. We can't die, Bendis. You know why? Because we
are so...very...pretty. We are just too pretty for God to let us die."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Mal: "We've done the impossible, and that makes us mighty."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Wash: "Everything looks good from here... (beat...playing with plastic
dinosaurs over his console) Yes. Yes, this is a fertile land, and we will
thrive." 

(as Stegosaurus) "We will rule over all this land, and we will call it...
'This Land'."

(as T-Rex) "I think we should call it...your grave!" 

(Stegosaurus) "Ah, curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!"

(T-Rex) "Ha ha HA! Mine is an evil laugh...now die!"
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Take my love, take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don't care, I'm still free
You can't take the sky from me

Take me out to the black
Tell them I ain't comin' back
Burn the land and boil the sea
You can't take the sky from me

There's no place I can be
Since I found Serenity
But you can't take the sky from me...
%
Mal: "I don't believe there's a power in the 'verse that can stop Kaylee
from being cheerful." (he smiles at her, never stopping working) "Sometimes
you just wanna duct tape her mouth and dump her in the hold for a month."

Kaylee: (kisses Mal) "I love my captain."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Zoe: "Something ain't right."

Wash: "Sweetie, we're crooks.  If everything were right, we'd be in jail."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Wash: "Just a couple of days lying around.  You with the bathing, 
me with the watching you bathe."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Kaylee: "I'd sure like to get a new compression coil."

Mal: "And I'd like to be the king of all Londinum and wear a shiny hat."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Mal: "Wheel always keeps on turning, Badger."

Badger: "That only matters to people on the rim."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Badger: "Crime and politics, little girl.  The situation is always... fluid."

Jayne: "The only fluid I see here is the puddle of piss refusing to pay our wage."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Book: "The destination's not important.  How you get there's the worthier
part."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Book: "Been out of the world for a spell.  Like to walk it a while."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Jayne: "Ten percent of nuthin' is...let me do the math here...nuthin' into
nuthin'...carry the nuthin'..."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Mal: "Jayne! Your mouth is talking, you'd might wanna look to that."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Zoe: "Sir, we don't want to deal with Patience again."

Mal: "Why not?"

Zoe: "She shot you."

Mal: "Well, yeah, she did a bit..."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Mal: "Ain't no way in the verse they could find that compartment, even if
they were lookin' for it."

Zoe: "Why not?"

Mal: "... cause?"

Zoe: "Oh yeah, this is going to go great."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Mal: "If anyone gets nosy, just...you know... shoot 'em."

Zoe: "Shoot 'em?"

Mal: "Politely."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Mal: "Send word to Patience?"

Wash: "Haven't heard back yet.  Didn't she shoot you one time?"

Mal: "Everyone's making a fuss."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Simon: (concerning Jayne) "What do you pay him for?"

Mal: "Public relations."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Book: "Captain, do you mind if I say grace?"

Mal: "Only if you say it out loud."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Mal: "How's business?"

Inara: "None of yours."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Book: "The important thing is the spices.  A man could live on enough 
packaged food from here till judgment day as long as he has 
enough rosemary."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Mal: "That's what governments are for, to get in a man's way."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Simon: (concerning Jayne) "What do you pay him for?"

Mal: "Public relations."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Inara: "So, would you like to lecture me on the wickedness of my ways?"

Book: "I brought you some supper but if you'd prefer a lecture, I've a few
very catchy ones prepped...sin and hellfire... one has lepers."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Wash: "Can we maybe vote on the whole murdering people issue?"
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Mal: "Now, you only gotta scare him."

Jayne: (beat) "Pain is scary."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Jayne: "It's a girl. Cute too.  'Cept I don't think she's all there, you know?
Course, not all of her has to be."
 				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Jayne: "I was gonna get me an ear."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Simon: "What will they do?"

Zoe: "If they take the ship, they'll rape us to death, eat our flesh and
sew our skins into their clothing and if we're very very lucky, they'll
do it in that order."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Patience: "I have to say I didn't look to be hearing from you any time soon."

Mal: "Well, we may not have parted on the best of terms. I realize certain 
words were exchanged, also, certain... bullets."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Mal: "I believe that woman's planning to shoot me again."

Jayne: "Here's  a little concept I been workin' on. Why don't we shoot
her first?"

Wash: "It is her turn."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Jayne: "Testing, testing. Captain, can you hear me?"

Mal: "I'm standing right here."

Jayne: "You're coming through good and loud."

Mal: "'Cause I'm standing right here."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Zoe: "Don't think its a good spot sir, she still has the advantage over us."

Mal: "Everyone always does.  That's what makes us special."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Mal: "Well, you were right about this being a bad idea."

Zoe: "Thanks for sayin', sir."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Zoe: "Sir, I'd like you to take the helm pleases.  I need this man to tear all my clothes off."

Wash: "Work, work, work."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Mal: "Had a good day."

Simon: "You had the alliance on you, criminals and savages, half the people
on this ship have been shot or wounded, including yourself, and
you're harboring known fugitives."

Mal: "We're still flyin'."

Simon: "That's not much."

Mal: "It's enough."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
Mal: (to Simon) "If I ever kill you, you'll be awake, you'll be facing me,
and you'll be armed."
				--Episode #1, "Serenity"
%
(Mal makes a move in Chinese Checkers)

Zoe: "That's a bold move."

Mal: "I live on the edge."

(Zoe makes a devastating move)

Jayne (to Mal): "Nice work, dumbass."

Mal: "I've given some thought to moving off the edge. Not an ideal location.
Maybe a place in the middle...."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Drunk: "Hey, you gonna toast unification with me?  Six years today, the
Alliance sent the Browncoats runnin', pissin' their pants... You know, your
coat is kinda a brownish color."

Mal: "It was on sale."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Drunk: "I'm thinking you're one of them Independents."

Mal: "And I'm thinking you weren't overburdened with schooling. So why don't
we both ignore each other until we go away."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Mal: "Say that to my face."

Drunk: "I said, you're a coward, and a pisspot.  Now what are you going to do 
about it?"

Mal: "Nothing!  I just wanted you to face me so she could get behind you." (Zoe
punches the thug out) "Drunks are so cute."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Jayne: "Hey, I didn't fight in no war. Best of luck, though."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Mal: (into com) "Wash, we've got some local color happening. Your grand
entrance would not go amiss right now."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
(Zoe, Mal, and Jayne are backed up against the edge of a cliff by a bunch of
drunken brawlers)

Mal: "There's just an acre of you fellas, ain't there?" (to Zoe) "This is
why we lost, you know. Superior numbers."

Zoe: "Thanks for the re-enactment, sir."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Wash: "Every man there go back inside, or we will blow a new crater in this
little moon."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Jayne: "Damn yokels can't even tell a transport freighter ain't got no guns on
it."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Kaylee: "So, what happened? Was there a terrible brawl?"

Zoe: "Oddly enough, there was."

Wash: "Are you getting my wife into trouble?"

Mal: "What? I didn't start it! I just wanted a quiet drink."

Zoe: "Funny, sir, how you always seem to find yourself in an
Alliance-friendly bar come U-Day, looking for a quiet drink."

Mal: "See, this is another sign of your tragic space dementia, all paranoid
and crotchety. It breaks the heart."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Mal: "Ladies and menfolk: We've got ourselves a job."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Mal: "Take us out of the world Wash, we've got us some crime to be done."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Mal: "Well they tell you: never hit a man with a closed fist. But it is, on
occasion, hilarious."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
River: "Mal. Bad. In the Latin."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Mal: "She's a little whimsical in the brainpan, seems calm enough though"
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Book: "That young man's very brave."

Mal: "Yeah.  He's my hero!"
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Mal: "Well, what about you, Shepherd? How come you're flying about with us
brigands? I mean, shouldn't you be off bringing religiosity to the
Fuzzie-Wuzzies or some such?" 

Book: "Oh, I got heathens aplenty right here." 

Mal: "If I'm your mission, Shepherd, best give it up. You're welcome on my
boat. God ain't."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Inara: "You have such lovely hair. I'm sure the doctor would agree."

Kaylee: "Who, Simon? No, he's too... I'm just... Do you think it would look
better up?"

Inara: "We could experiment. We might even get wild later and wash your
face."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Inara: "There's an energy about a person that's difficult to hide. You try to
feel that..."

Mal: "And then you try to feel the energy around their credit account. It has
a sort of aura..."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Inara: (pissed) "What did I say to you about barging into my shuttle?"

Mal: "That it was manly and impulsive?"

Inara: "Yes, precisely. Only the exact phrase I used was 'don't'."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Mal: "And Kaylee, what the hell's goin' on in the engine room? Were there
monkeys? Some terrifying space monkeys maybe got loose?"
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Mal: "You're servicing crew now?"

Inara: "In your lonely and pathetic dreams."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Inara: "Mal! If you're being a gentleman, I may die of shock."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Niska: "You have seen Crow.  He loves to stand at the door to say 'Boo!'"
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Niska: "Ooh!  You do not like I kill this man?"

Mal: "Oh, no. I'm sure he... was a very bad person."

Niska: "My wife's nephew.  At dinner I am getting earful.  
There is no way out of that."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Zoe: "He's a psycho, you know.  Niska."

Mal: "He's not the first psycho to hire us, or the last.  You think that's a
commentary on us?"
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Inara: "You could always pray they make it back safely."

Book: "I don't think the captain would much like me praying for him."

Inara: "So don't tell him. I never do."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Zoe: "Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain being missing."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Mal: "Hell, this job I would pull for free!"

Zoe: "Then can I have your share?"

Mal: "No."

Zoe: "If you die can I have your share?"
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Simon: "So, what are we doing?"

Kaylee: "Oh, crime."

Simon: "Crime?  Good, OK... crime..."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Jayne: "Time for some thrilling heroics."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Jayne: "These are stone killers, little man. They ain't cuddly like me."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
River: "They won't stop. They'll never stop. They'll just keep coming until they
get back what you took. Two by two, hands of blue. Two by two, hands of
blue..."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Jayne: "How's about you shut that crazy mouth?  Is that a fun game?"
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Mal: "Whatever happens, remember I love you."

Zoe: "Sir?"

Mal: "Because you're my wife."

Zoe: "Right, sir... honey."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Mal: "That sounds like the Alliance.  Unite all the planets under one rule
so that everybody can be interfered with or ignored equally."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Jayne: "You know what the chain of command is?  It's the chain I go get and
beat you with until you understand who's in ruttin' command here." 
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Jayne: "You can't change that... by gettin' all... bendy."

Wash: "All what?"

Jayne: "You got the... the light... from the console... keep you... lift you
up.  They shine like... (snatching at the air)... little angels..." (falls
over, unconscious)

Wash: "Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?"
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Inara: "Zoe. What would your husband say if he knew you were here?"

Zoe: "I... I was weak."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Sheriff: "His story had kind of an odor to it."

Inara: "Yes. It's not the only thing about him that does."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Mal: "Nice shot."

Jayne: "I was aiming for his head."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Sheriff: "You were truthful back in town -- these are tough times. A man can get
a job, he might not look too close at what that job is. But a man learns all
the details of a situation like ours.... well, then he has a choice. "

Mal: "I don't believe he does."
				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Mal: "Now, this is all the money Niska gave us in advance.  You bring it
back to him, tell him the job didn't work out.  

(Crow spits)

Mal: "We're not thieves. (beat)  Well, we are thieves.  Point is, we're not
taking what's his.  Now, we'll stay out of his way the best we can from here
on in.  You explain that that's best for everyone, okay?"

Crow: "Keep the money.  Use it to buy a funeral.  It doesn't matter where
you go, or how far you fly.  I will hunt you down, and the last thing you
see will be my blade."

Mal: "... Darn." (kicks Crow solidly, knocking him into one of Serenity's
engines and killing him.  A second henchman is brought forward).  "Now, this
is all the money Niska gave us in advance..."

Henchman: (overeager) "Oh, I'm good!  Best thing for everyone!  I'm right
there with you!"				--Episode #2, "The Train Job"
%
Zoe: "Proximity alert. Must be coming up on something." 

Wash: (alarmed) "Oh my god. What can it be? We're all doomed! Who's flying
this thing!?" (deadpan) "Oh right, that would be me. Back to work." 
				--Episode #3, "Bushwacked"
%
Jayne: "Tell you what I think -- I figure that fellow we ran into, did everyone
on board. Then he decided to take a swim, see how fast his blood boiled out
his ears."

Wash: "You're a very 'up' person."
				--Episode #3, "Bushwacked"
%
Book: "Should I remind you of the story of the Good Samaritan?"

Mal: "I'd rather if you didn't."
				--Episode #3, "Bushwacked"
%
Jayne: "It's impressive what 'nothing' can do to a man. Like that fellow we
bumped into. He's likely stuck up under our belly about now. That's what
space trash does, you know. Kind of latches onto the first big something
stops long enough. Hey, now -- that'd be a bit like you and your sister,
wouldn't it?"
				--Episode #3, "Bushwacked"
%
Mal: "No one's gonna hurt you... any more than we already did."
				--Episode #3, "Bushwacked"
%
Simon: "Ah, yes.  He's a real beast.  It's a wonder you're still alive."

Jayne: "...Looked bigger when I couldn't see him."
				--Episode #3, "Bushwacked"
%
Mal: "Reavers might take issue with that philosophy.  If they had a 
philosophy.  If they weren't too busy gnawing at your insides."
				--Episode #3, "Bushwacked"
%
Kaylee: "Looks like they've jury-rigged it with a pressure catch. It's the
only thing that'd work with all these spare parts. We could probably bypass
that easy, we get to the DC line." 

Mal: "You tell me right now, little Kaylee, you really think you can do
this?" 

Kaylee: "Sure. Yeah. I think so. 'Sides, if I mess up, not like you'll be
able to yell at me." 
				--Episode #3, "Bushwacked"
%
Mal: "Stack everything here, in plain sight.  Wouldn't want it to seem like
we got anything to hide.  It might give them Alliance boys the wrong
impression."

Wash: "Or the right one."

Mal: "That too."
				--Episode #3, "Bushwacked"
%
Commander: "Looks to me like an illegal salvage operation."

Mal: "It does?  That's discouraging."
				--Episode #3, "Bushwacked"
%
Alliance Commander: "You fought with Captain Reynolds in the war?" 

Zoe: "Fought with a lot of people in the war." 

Alliance Commander: "And your husband?" 

Zoe: "Fight with him sometimes, too." 
				--Episode #3, "Bushwacked"
%
Alliance Commander: "Seems odd you'd name your ship after a battle you were
on the wrong side of." 

Mal: "May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong
one." 
				--Episode #3, "Bushwacked"
%
River: "Let's go again!"

Simon: "Later.  Maybe."
				--Episode #3, "Bushwacked"
%
Jayne: "You saved his gorram life, he still takes the cargo. Hwoon dahn."
[jerk] 

Mal: "He had to.... Couldn't let us profit. Wouldn't be civilized." 
				--Episode #3, "Bushwacked"
%
Inara: "I like watching the game. As with other situations, the key seems to be
giving Jayne a heavy stick and standing back."

Mal: "'Course, they won't discover it 'til they order the next round of
drinks."

Thug: "Way."

Mal: "Good drinker, that one."
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Zoe: "I thought you'd get land-crazy, that long in port."

Wash: "Probably, but I've been sane a while now and change is good."
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Mal: "Sniff the air, we don't kiss the dirt"

Zoe: "Wasn't planning on the dirt kissing, sir."

Wash: "I wouldn't stand for it anyway, captain, jealous man like me."
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Wash: (Off an alarm sounding from the console) "Closing in." 

Zoe: "Planet's coming up a mite fast." 

Wash: "That's just cause I'm going down too quick. Likely crash and kill
us all." 

Mal: "Well, that happens, let me know." 
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Mal: "Hmmm.  It sounds like one of the finest parties I could imagine 
getting paid to go to."

Inara: "I don't suppose you'd find it up to standards of your outings.  More
conversation and somewhat less petty theft and getting hit with pool cues."
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Kaylee: "Look at the pretties!"

Wash: "What am I looking at, the girls or the clothes?"
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Kaylee: (pointing to a pink frilly dress) "Say, look at the fluffy one!" 

Zoe: "Too much foofaraw. If I'm going to wear a dress, I'd want something
with some slink." 

Wash: "You want a slinky dress? I can buy you a slinky dress. Captain, can I
have money for a slinky dress?" 

Jayne: "I'll chip in." 

Zoe: (to Jayne) "I can hurt you." 
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Kaylee: "I like the ruffles.  Inara gets to wear whatever she wants.

Mal: "What are you going to do in that rig?  Flounce around the engine room? 
Be like a sheep walking on its hind legs"

(Kaylee storms off)

Zoe: (angry) "See ya on the ship, Captain."

Jayne: "She mad or somethin?"
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Badger: "Captain Reynolds, heard you was in town, though we might have a bit of a sit down."

Mal: "Prefer a bit of a piss off."

Badger: "I'm very sorry, did I give you the impression I was asking?"
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Mal: "Seems to me the last time there was a chance for a little palaver, we
were all manner of unwelcome."

Jayne: (drinking) "This ain't bad."

Badger: "There's a trick to it: wood alcohol."

Mal: "Now we're favored guests, treated to the finest in beverages that make
you blind."
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Mal: "You backed out of a deal last time, left us hanging..."

Jayne: "...hurt our feelings."

Mal: "You recall why that took place?"

Badger: "Had a problem with your attitude is why. Though you was... what's the word..."

Jayne: "Pretentious?"

Badger: "Exactly!  You think you better than other people!"

Mal: "Just the ones I'm better than."
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Mal: "Does, uh... does this seem kind of tight?" 

Kaylee: "Shows off your backside. Did you see the chandelier? It's hovering." 

Mal: ""What's the point of that, I wonder.  I mean I see the how they did it, 
I'm just not getting the why."
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Kaylee: "These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I-- how
'bout that!" 

Mal: "Yeah, well, just be careful. We cheated Badger out of good money to
buy that frippery, and you're supposed to make me look respectable." 

Kaylee: "Yessir, Captain Tight Pants." 
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Mal: "Okay, help me find our man; he's supposed to be older. Kind of stocky,
wears a red sash crossways." 

Kaylee: "Why does he do that?" 

Mal: "Maybe he won the Miss Persephone pageant. Just help me look." 
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Kaylee: "Is that him?"

Mal: "That's the buffet table."

Kaylee: "Well, how can we be sure, unless we question it?"
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Kaylee: "I'm not saying the 80-04's hard to repair, it just ain't worth it."

Older Farmer: "It's a fine machine, you just keep it tuned."

Kaylee: "Tsai boo shr." [That's not it.] "The extenders ain't braced."

Murphy: "I've been telling him to buy the 80-10 for years."

Kaylee: "Those 'tenders snap off, don't matter how good the engine's
cycling."

Younger Farmer: "Miss Kaylee, I wonder if I could request the honor of...."

Murphy: (interrupting) "Wait a minute. Let her talk. She's talking. Dance
later."

Kaylee: "By the way, the 80-10's the same machine, they just changed the
plating and hope no one noticed."
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Zoe: (sighs) "I thought you wanted to spend more time off ship this visit."

Wash: "I don't know.  Out there it seems like all fancy parties. I like our 
party better.  The dress codes easier and I know all the steps."
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Wash: "Don't fall asleep now. Sleepiness is weakness of character. Ask
anyone! You're acting captain. Know what happens you fall asleep now?" 

Zoe: "Jayne slits my throat and takes over." 

Wash: "That's right." 

Zoe: "And we can't stop it." 

Wash: "Well, I wash my hands of it. It's a hopeless case. I'll read a nice
poem at the funeral. Something with imagery." 

Zoe: "You could lock the door and keep the power-hungry maniac at bay." 

Wash: "Oh, no, I'm starting to like this poetry idea now. 'Here lies my
beloved Zoe, my autumn flower, somewhat less attractive now she's all
corpsified and gross'..."
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Bitca: "It's not as good as last year."

Kaylee: "Oh, really? What'd they have last year?"

Bitca: "Standards."
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Gentleman: "Why, Banning Miller! What a vision you are in your fine dress.
It must have taken a dozen slaves a dozen days to get you into that getup. 

Of course, your daddy tells me it takes the space of a schoolboy's wink to 
get you out of it again."
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Harrow: "I know him. And I think he's a psychotic lowlife." 

Mal: "And I think calling him that is an insult to the psychotic lowlife
community." 
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Inara: "I see Kaylee's here."

Mal: "Cried Cinderella tears. You should have seen her when I told her she
could have that layer cake she's wearing."

Inara: "I think she looks adorable."

Mal: "Yeah, but I never said it."
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Mal: "Use of a swhat?"
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Kaylee: Up until the punching, it was a real nice party.
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Simon: "The captain's a good fighter, must know how to handle a sword."

Zoe: "I think he knows which end to hold."
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Inara: "Atherton's a heavy sleeper the night before a big day. You know, he's
got the killing in the morning, then a haircut later."

Mal: "Such a comfort, having friends visit at a time like this."

				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Mal: "I actually thought I was defending your honor and I _never_ back down 
from a fight!"

Inara: "Yes, you do. You do all the time."

Mal: "Well... yea... but I'm not backing down from this one."

Inara: "He's an expert swordsman, Mal -- you had trouble with the pillar. How
will your death help my honor?"
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Jayne: "What we need's a diversion. I say Zoe gets naked."

Wash: "Nope."

Jayne: "I could get naked."

Wash and Simon, in unison: "No!"
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Badger: "Why ain't she talking? She's got a secret."

River: "Sure, I got a secret. More'n one. Don't seem likely I'd tell them to you
now, do it?  Anyone off Dyton Colony knows better than to talk to strangers.
You're talkin' loud enough for the both of us, though, ain't ya?  I've known
a dozen like you. Skipped off home early.  Run graft jobs 'ere and there.
Spent some time in the lockdown, but less than you claim.  Now you're what?
Petty thief with illusions of standing.  Sad little king of a sad little
hill."

Badger: "...Nice to see someone from the old homestead."

River: "Not really."  (to Simon)  "Call me if anyone interesting shows up."
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Jayne: "That there? Exactly the kind of diversion we could have used."
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Inara: "Attack." (Mal lunges at her with sword; she sidesteps and swats him
on the butt; he grunts in pain) "How did I avoid that?" 

Mal: "By being fast like a freak?" 
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Inara: "You have a strange sense of nobility. You'll lay a man out for implying
I'm a whore, but you keep calling me one to my face."
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Inara: "You are always breaking the rules, no matter what society you're in! 
You don't get along with ordinary criminals either, which is why you are
constantly getting in trouble!"

Mal: "And you think following rules will buy you a nice life, even if the
rules make you a slave."
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Mal: "Don't take his offer."

Inara: "What?"

Mal: "Don't do it.  Because in the case that it happens, that means he's 
the fellow that killed me. And I don't like fellows that killed me, not 
in general."
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Harrow: "You have to finish it, lad. You have to finish it. For a man to lay
beaten... and yet breathing? It makes him a coward." 

Inara: "It's humiliation." 

Mal: "Sure. It would be humiliating. Having to lie there while the better
man refuses to spill your blood. Mercy is the mark of a great man. (lightly
stabs Atherton with the sword) Guess I'm just a good one. (stabs him again)
Well, I'm all right." 
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Atherton: "You set this up, whore! After I bought and paid for you. I should have
uglied you up so no one else would want you."

Mal: "See how I'm not punching him? I think I've grown."
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Atherton: "Well, get ready to starve! I'll see to it you never work again."

Inara: "Actually, that's not how it works. You see, you've earned yourself a
black mark in the client registry. No Companion is going to contact with you
ever again."

Harrow: "You'll have to rely on your winning personality to get women. God help
you."
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Harrow: "You didn't have to wound the man." 

Mal: "Yeah, I know, it was just funny." 
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Jayne: "We was just about to spring into action, Captain. Complicated
escape-and-rescue operation."

Wash: "I was going to watch. It was very exciting."
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Inara: "Thank you for the wine. It's very... fresh." 

Mal: "To Kaylee, and her inter-engine fermentation system."
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Inara: "Are you in pain?" 

Mal: "Absolutely. I got stabbed, you know. Right here." 

Inara: "I saw." 

Mal: "Don't care much for fancy parties. Too rough." 
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Inara: "It wasn't entirely a disaster." 

Mal: "I got stabbed! Right here!" 

Inara: "You also lined up exciting new crime."
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Mal: "It's good to have cargo.  Makes us a target for every other scavenger 
out there of course, but, sometimes that's fun too."
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
Inara: "I am grateful, you know. For the ill-conceived and high-handed attempt
to defend my honor although I didn't want you to."

Mal: "Gracious as that is, as I look back, probably should have stayed out of 
your world."
				--Episode #4, "Shindig"
%
River: "We got outflanked by an Independent squad, and we're never gonna make it
back to our platoon. We need to resort to cannibalism."

Simon: "That was fast. Don't we have rations or anything?"

River: "They got lost. We're going to have to eat the men."
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Mr. Tam: "I will not have it in my house. But since your mother's already
ordered one, I guess I might as well give up the fantasy that this is my
house."
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Mal: "So, she's added cussing and hurling about of things to her repertoire.
She really is a prodigy." 

Simon: "It's just a bad day." 

Mal: "No, a bad day is when someone's yellin' spooks the cattle. Understand?
You ever see cattle stampede when they got no place to run? It's kind of
like a...a meat grinder. And it'll lose us half the herd." 

Simon: "She hasn't gone anywhere near the cattle." 

Mal: "No, but in case you hadn't noticed, her voice kinda carries. We're two
miles above ground and they can probably hear her down there. Soon as we
unload, she can holler until our ears bleed." (to River) "Although I would
take it as a kindness if she didn't." 

River: "The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate
vacuuming systems." 

Mal: (to Simon) "See, morbid and creepifying, I got no problem with, long
as she does it quiet-like." 
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Mal: "You know, they walk just as easy if you lead them."

Jayne: "I like smackin' them."
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Zoe: "Next time we smuggle stock, let's make it something smaller."

Wash: "Yeah, we should start dealing in those black-market beagles..."
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
River: "Little soul big world.  Eat and sleep and eat...  Many souls.  Very
straight, very simple"

Mal: "Cattle on the ship three weeks, she don't go near 'em.  Suddenly,
we're on Jiangyin and she's got a driving need to commune with the beasts?"

River: "They weren't cows inside.  They were waiting to be, but they forgot. 
Now they see sky and they remember what they are."

Mal: "Is it bad that what she just said makes perfect sense to me?"
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Mal: "When a man engages in clandestine dealings, he has this preference for
things going smoothly. She makes things not be smooth."

Simon: "Right. I'm very sorry she tipped off anyone about your cunningly
concealed herd of cows."
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Inara: "Does it seem every supply store on every border planet has the same
five rag dolls and the same wood carvings of... What is this?  A duck?"

Kaylee: "That's a swan.  And I like it"

Inara: "You do?"

Kaylee: "It looks like it was made with, you know... longing.  Made by a
person who really longed to see a swan."

Inara: "Perhaps because they'd only heard of them by rough description."
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Mal: "This is the last time.  The last time with cows.  I hear there is 
an idea involving beagles, they have smallish droppings?"

Zoe: "I believe so sir." 
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Grange: "Scrawny."

Mal: "Milk and hay, three times a day, fed to them by beautiful women."

Jayne: "It was something to see."
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Grande: "They's branded."

Mal: "Now you boys are hitting all the selling points.  A fresh 
brand is a dead give-away. Claim them as your own."
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Grange: "We can go to 25."

Mal: "Well... we'll be taking a loss. But you seem like clean and virtuous
boys. Done."
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Mal: "It never goes smooth.  How come it never goes smooth?"
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Book: "That's... that's quite a lot of blood, isn't it?"

Mal: "Just means you ain't dead."

Book: " 'fraid I might be needin' a preacher."

Mal: "That's good.  You just lie there and be ironical." (to Jayne)
"Stretcher!"
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Simon: "Some of these words -- they're misspelled. She started correcting my
spelling when she was three."
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Book: "That bad?" 

Zoe: "Battle wounds are nothing new to me, preacher. I've seen men live
with a dozen holes in 'em this size." 

Book: "That right?" 

Zoe: "Surely is. Knew a man once who had a hole clean through his whole
shoulder. Used to keep a spare hankie in there." 
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Jayne: (mock reading Simon's journal) "Dear Diary...today I was pompous and
my sister was crazy." (flips page) "Today, we were kidnapped by hill folk
never to be seen again. It was the best day ever."
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Kaylee: "Well, we're headed for help... right?" 

Zoe: "Captain will come up with a plan." 

Kaylee: "That's good. Right?" 

Zoe: "Possibly you're not recalling some of his previous plans." 
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Zoe: "You sanguine about the kind of reception we're apt to receive on an
Alliance ship, Cap'n?" 

Mal: "Absolutely." (beat) "What's 'sanguine' mean?" 

Zoe: " 'Sanguine'. Hopeful. Plus -- point of interest -- it also means
'bloody'." 

Mal: "Well, that pretty much covers all the options, don't it?" 
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Doralee: "Place like this might be good for your sister. Quiet, 
safe, place where folks take care of each other."

Simon: "Yes, seems like a lovely little community of kidnappers."
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
River: "I took you away from there."

Simon: "No."

River: "I know I did. You don't think I do, but... I get confused. I remember
everything. I remember too much and.... Some of it's made up and... some of
it can't be quantified and there's secrets..."

Simon: "It's okay."

River: "But I understand. You gave up everything to find me, and you found me
broken. It's hard for you. You gave up everything you had."

Simon: "Mei mei, everything I have is right here."
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Simon: "These are better than the Camberson's berries."

River: "They are. Except they're poison."
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Simon: "It's been a big day, what with the abduction and all."
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Simon: "I'm sorry, Dad. You know I would never have tried to save River's life
if I'd known there was a dinner party at risk."
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Mr. Tam: "Are you trying to destroy this family?"

Simon: "I didn't realize it would be so easy."
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Mal: "What kind of ident card gets us that kind of reception and send off?"

Book: "I am a Shepherd. Folks like a man of God." 

Mal: "No, they don't. Men of God make everyone feel guilty and judged." 
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Mal: "Well, look at this! Appears we got here just in the nick of time.
Whaddya suppose that makes us?" 

Zoe: "Big damn heroes, sir." 

Mal: "Ain't we just!" 
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Mal: "Sorry to interrupt, folks.  Y'all got something that belongs to us 
and we'd like it back."

Patron: "This is a holy cleansing, you cannot think to thwart God's will."
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Mal: "Y'all see the man hanging out of the spaceship with the really big
gun? Now I'm not saying you weren't easy to find but it was kinda out of our
way, and he didn't want to come in the first place. Man's lookin' to kill
some folk. So really, it's his will y'all should worry about thwarting." 
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Mal: (to Simon) "Gotta say, doctor, your talent for alienatin' folk is near
miraculous." 

Simon: "Yes, I'm very proud." 
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Mal: "Cut her down."

Patron: "That girl is a witch!"

Mal: "Yeah, but she's our witch.  So cut her the hell down!"
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Simon: "So finally...a decent wound on this ship, and I miss out. I'm
sorry." 

Mal: "Well, you were busy trying to get yourself lit on fire. It happens." 
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Mal: "So Shepard says to a Companion, "Well, a good goat will do that." "
				--Episode #5, "Safe"
%
Bandit #1: "And I think maybe you're gonna give me a little one-on-one
time with the missus." 

Jayne/Husband: "Oh, I think you might wanna reconsider that last part.
See, I married me a powerful ugly creature." 

Mal/Wife: "How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new
people?" 

Jayne/Husband: "If I could make you purtier, I would." 

Mal/Wife: "You are not the man I met a year ago." 
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Mal: "Now think real hard. You been bird-dogging this township a while now.
They wouldn't mind a corpse of you. Now you can luxuriate in a nice jail
cell, but if your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I
will end you."
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Inara: "So, explain to me again why Zoe wasn't in the dress?" 

Mal: "Tactics, woman! Needed her in the back. 'Sides, them soft cotton
dresses feel kind of nice. There's a whole airflow." 

Inara: "And you would know that because...?" 

Mal: "You can't open the book of my life and jump in the middle. Like woman,
I'm a mystery." 

Inara: "Best keep it that way. I withdraw the question."
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Mal: "I'm sorry.  Go back to the part where you're my wife."

Saffron: (downcast) "I don't please you."

Mal: "You can't please me.  You've never met me." (Zoe and Jayne enter) "Zoe,
why do I have a wife?"

Jayne: "You got a wife?"

Zoe: "What's she doing here?"

Jayne: "All I got was that dumb-ass stick that sounds like it's raining. 
How come you got a wife?"

Mal: "I didn't." (to Saffron) "We're not married."

Saffron: "I'm sorry if I shame you..."

Mal: "You don't shame me.  Zoe, get Wash down here."

Zoe: (hits comm) "This is Zoe.  We need all personnel in the cargo bay."

Mal: "All?  I said Wash!"

Zoe: "Captain, everyone should have a chance to congratulate you on your day
of bliss."

Mal: "There's no bliss!  I don't even know this girl."

Jayne: "Then can I know her?"

Zoe: "Jayne!  Don't sully this."

Mal: "Zoe, you are going to be cleaning out the latrine with your face, you
don't cut that out."
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Book: "Who's the new recruit?"

Zoe: "Everybody, I want you to meet Mrs. Reynolds."

Kaylee: (excited) "You got married?!"

Simon: "Well, that's... congratulations."

Wash: "We always hoped you two kids would get together.  Who is she?"

Mal: "She's no one!"

(Saffron starts to cry)

Kaylee: "Captain!"

Mal: (at a loss) "Stop that."

Saffron: "I'm... sorry..."

Wash: "You brute."

Kaylee: (to Saffron) "Oh, sweetie, don't feel bad.  He makes everybody cry. 
He's like a monster."

Mal: "I'm not a monster.  Wash, turn the ship around."
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Mal: "This isn't happening." (to Saffron) "Will you stop crying?"

Inara: "Oh, for God's sake, Mal, can you be a human being for thirty
seconds?"

Wash: "Speaking as one married man to another..."

Mal: "I am not married!" (to Saffron) "I'm sorry.  You don't shame me, you
have very nice qualities but I didn't ever marry you."

Book: (holding encyclopedia) "I believe you did.  Last night."

(Mal hesitates, as does everyone)

Mal: (to Jayne, quiet) "How drunk was I last night?"
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Book: "If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very
special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people
who talk at the theater." 

Mal: "What -- I am not... preacher, you've got a smutty mind!"

Book: "Perhaps I spoke out of turn."

Mal: "You may perhaps I'm thinking!"

Book: "I apologize.  I'll make her up a room in the passenger dorm."

Mal: "Good"

(Book walks away and around the corner.  A beat later, he pokes his head
back around to speak)

Book: "The *special* hell."
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Saffron: "Are you gonna kill me?"

Mal: "What?  What kind of crappy planet is that?  Kill you?"

Saffron: "In the maiden's home, I heard talk of men who weren't pleased
with their brides, who..."

Mal: "Well I ain't them. And don't you ever stand for that sort of thing.
Someone tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back. Wife or no,
you're no one's property to be tossed aside. You got the right same as
anyone to live and to try to kill people. I mean, you know. People
that are... That's a dumb planet."
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Saffron: "I'd be a good wife."

Mal: "Yeah, well, I'd be a terrible husband.  You got five whole days to
figure that out."
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Saffron: "I didn't think to make enough for your friends." (to Zoe) "But
I've everything laid out if you'd like to cook for your husband..."

(Wash looks at Zoe for a microsecond of hope, before laughing
overcompensationally)

Wash: "Ta ha ha... Isn't she quaint?  I'm just not hungry..."
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Zoe: (to Mal) "So, are you enjoying your own nubile little slave girl?"

Mal: (mouth full) "I'm not... (chewing) nubile ... (swallows) Look, she
wanted to make me dinner.  At least she's not crying..."

Wash: "I might.  Did she really make fresh bao?" (notices Zoe's glare)
"Quaint!"

Zoe: "Remember that sex we were planning to have ever again?"
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Mal: "I would appreciate it if one person on this boat did not assume I was
an evil, lecherous hump."

Zoe: "Nobody's saying that, sir."

Wash: "Yeah, we're mostly just giving each other significant glances and
laughing incessantly.  Is that cider?"
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Mal: "Can I come in?"

Inara: "No."

Mal: "See, that's why I usually don't ask."
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Mal: "Are you offering me a trade?" 

Jayne: "A trade!? Hell, it's theft. This is the best damn gun made by man.
It has extreme sentimental value. It's miles more worthy than what you got." 

Mal: "What I got? She has a name." 

Jayne: "So does this!" (caresses the gun lovingly) "I call it Vera."

Mal: "Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a
middle." 
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Mal: "Jayne: Go play with your night-stick."
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Saffron: "You're a good man."

Mal: "You clearly haven't been talking to anyone else on this boat..."
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Wash: "Every planet has its own weird customs.  About a year before we met,
I spent six weeks on a moon where the principal form of recreation was
juggling geese.  My hand to God.  Baby geese.  Goslings.  They were juggled"

Zoe: "Of course the man rushes in to defend her..."

Wash: "(Huh?) I'm talking about geese."
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Mal: (looking at Saffron, shocked) "Whoa, hey... flesh..."
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Saffron: "On the night of their betrothal, the wife shall open to the man
as the furrow to the plow. He shall work in her again and again, 'til she
bring him to his full. And rest him then upon the sweat of her breast." 

Mal: "Whoa - good bible..."
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Mal: "Oh, I'm gonna go to the special hell..."
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Wash: "Wuh duh ma huh ta duh fung-kwong duh wai-shung doh (Holy mother 
of God and all her wacky nephews), do I wish I was somebody else right now.  
Somebody not married, not madly in love with a beautiful woman who can 
kill me with her pinky." 

Saffron: "I've been too forward."

Wash: "No.  Well, yes.  But I actually like that in a woman.  That's part of
why Zoe and I are, as previously mentioned, married."

Saffron: "I thought... she didn't seem to respect you."

Wash: "Not everybody gets me and Zoe at first glance.  Did it get very hot
in here?  I need airflow."
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Inara: "Come into my shuttle."

Saffron: "You would lie with me?"

(alarms sound)

Inara: "I guess we've lied enough."
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Inara: (to Mal) "You were drugged."

Jayne: "That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth"

(Everyone falls deathly silent)
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Zoe: "So you two were kissing?"

Book: "Well, isn't that... special?"
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Mal: "You woulda kissed her too!"

Zoe: "Wash didn't."

Mal: "But she was naked!  And... articulate!"

Wash: "Okay.  Everyone NOT talking about their sex lives, in here.  Everyone
else, elsewhere."
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Book: "You were victimized, Wash was assaulted, and then Inara found you
here."

Inara (groggy): "And then I fell and hit my head.  Like Wash."
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Mal: "So why the big act?  What was she after?"

Book: "Besides molesting innocent captains?"

Mal: "You want to stow it, preacher?  We're in some peril here."
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Zoe: "If she can fly this thing, why'd she take the shuttle?"

Wash: "Maybe she likes shuttles.  Some people juggle geese!"
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Jayne: "See, Vera? Dress yourself up you get taken out somewhere fun."
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Saffron: "You gonna kill me?" 

Mal: "Can you conjure up a terribly compelling reason for me not to?" 

Saffron: "I didn't kill you." 

Mal: "You handed me and my crew over to those that would kill us. That buys
you nothing." 

Saffron: (smiles) "I made you dinner." 
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Mal: "You got all kinds of learning, and you make me look a fool without even
trying, and yet here I am with a gun to your head. That's cause I got people
with me, people who trust each other, and do for each other, and ain't
always looking for an advantage."

Saffron: "Promise me you're going to kill me soon."
				--Episode #6, "Our Mrs Reynolds"
%
Simon: "I swear - when it's appropriate."

Kaylee: "Simon, the whole point of swearing is that it ain't appropriate."
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
Kaylee: (seeing Inara off) "Goodbye, now.  Have good sex!"
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
Simon: "My God - you're like a trained ape.  Without the training."
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
Simon: (to Jayne) "Enemies?  You?  No, how can it be?"
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
Simon: "All right, fine, I'll go... Just, stop describing me."
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
Simon: "Yes, I... I've heard good things about the mud.  Lots of people
talking about the mud..."

Wash: (to Kaylee) "What happened to Simon?  Who is this diabolical master of
disguise?"
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
Mal: "You wanna tell me how come there's a statue of you here, looking at me
like I owe him something?" 

Jayne: "Wishin' I could, Captain." 

Mal: "No, seriously, Jayne, you want to tell me--?" 
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
Jayne: "Look, Mal, I got no ruttin' idea. I was here a few years back, like
I said. Pulled a second-story, stole a lot of scratch from the magistrate up
on the hill. But things went way south. I had to hightail it. They
don't...put you on a pedestal in town square for that." 

Mal: "Yeah, 'cept I'm looking at some fair compelling evidence says they do." 

Simon: (staring at the statue) "This must be what going mad feels like." 
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
Wash: (looking at Jayne's statue) "I think they captured him, though.  You
know, captured his essence."

Kaylee: "Looks sorta angry, don't he?"

Wash: "That's kinda what I meant."
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
Jayne: "Uh, hey, I got a idea. Instead of us hanging around playing art
critic 'til I get pinched by the man, how's about we move away from this
eerie-ass piece of work, and get on with our increasingly eerie-ass day.
How's that?" 

Mal: "I don't know.  This here's a spectacle might warrant a moment's consideration."
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
Book: "What are we up to, sweetheart?" 

River: "Fixing your Bible." 

Book: "I, um...(alarmed)...what?" 

River: "Bible's broken. Contradictions, false logistics - doesn't make
sense." (she's marked up the bible, crossed out passages) 

Book: "No, no. You - you can't... "
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
River: "So we'll integrate non-progressional evolution theory with God's
creation of Eden. Eleven inherent metaphoric parallels already there.
Eleven. Important number. Prime number. One goes into the house of eleven
eleven times, but always comes out one. Noah's ark is a problem." 

Book: "Really?" 

River: "We'll have to call it early quantum state phenomenon. Only way to
fit 5000 species of mammal on the same boat." (rips out page) 
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
Book: "River, you don't... fix the Bible."

River: "It's broken.  It doesn't make sense."
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
Book: "You don't fix faith, River.  It fixes you."
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
Jayne: "Can't be a statue of me.  No reason for it.  Flies in the 
face of every kind of sense."

Mal: "Won't argue with that."
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
Wash: (spits out his first taste of his drink) swears in Chinese

Jayne: "Mmm. They call it 'mudder's milk."  

Wash: (gags)

Jayne: "All the protein, vitamins and carbs of you grandma's best 
turkey dinner... plus 15 percent alcohol.
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
Contact: "Last week, the factory foreman and his prod crew heard he was
moving contraband through town.  Gave him a peck of trouble for it."

Mal: "What kind of peck was that?"

Contact: "The kind where they hacked off his hands and feet with a machete,
rolled him into the bog."

Wash: "They peck pretty hard around here."
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
("The Man They Call Jayne" is being sung in the background)

Mal: "Uh, Jayne?"

Jayne: "Yeah, Mal?"

Mal: "You got any light you'd like to shed on this development?"

Jayne: "No, Mal."

Simon: "No... *This* must be what going mad feels like..."
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
He robbed from the rich
 and he gave to the poor.
 Stood up to the man
 and gave him what for.
 Our love for him now
 ain't hard to explain.
 The hero of Canton
 the man they call Jayne. 

Our Jayne saw the mudders' backs breakin'. 
 He saw the mudders' lament. 
 And he saw the Magistrate takin' 
 every dollar and leavin' five cents. 
 So he said "You can't do that to my people." 
 He said "You can't crush them under your heel." 
 So Jayne strapped on his hat 
 and in 5 seconds flat 
 stole everythin' Boss Higgins had to steal. 

He robbed from the rich 
 and he gave to the poor. 
 Stood up to the man 
 and gave him what for. 
 Our love for him now 
 ain't hard to explain. 
 The hero of Canton 
 the man they call Jayne. 

Now here is what separates heroes 
 from common folk like you and I. 
 The man they call Jayne 
 he turned 'round his plane 
 and let that money hit sky. 

He dropped it onto our houses 
 he dropped it into our yards. 
 The man they called Jayne 
 he stole away our pain 
 and headed out for the stars! 

Here we go! 

He robbed from the rich 
 and he gave to the poor. 
 Stood up to the man 
 and gave him what for. 
 Our love for him now 
 ain't hard to explain. 
 The hero of Canton 
 the man they call Jayne. 
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
Wash: "We gotta go to a crappy town where I'm a hero!"
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
Simon: "You know... I've saved lives. Dozens. Maybe hundreds. I reattached a
girl's leg - her whole leg. She named her hamster after me. I got a
hamster. He drops a box money, he gets a town."

Kaylee: "Hamsters is nice."

Simon: "To Jayne! The box-dropping, man-ape-gone-wrong... thing."
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
River: "I tore these out of your symbol, and they turned into paper."
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
River: "They say the snow on the roof was too heavy. The ceiling will cave in,
his brains are in terrible danger!"

Book: "River? Please. Why don't you come out?"

River: "No! Can't! Too much hair!"
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
Zoe: "River, honey, he's putting the hair away now."

River: "Doesn't matter.  It'll still be there... waiting."
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
Jayne: "You guys had a riot?  On account of me?  My very own riot?"

Mudder: "I can't believe you're back."

Jayne: (all emotional) "How could I stay away?!!"
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
Jayne: "You think we should be using my fame to hoodwink folks?"

Mal: "You better laugh when you say that."
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
Zoe: "Is that Jayne? Is that really him? Wash, pinch me, I must be
dreaming!"
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
Inara: "I.. I know this man. He's... he just has this idiotic sense of
nobility, you know?  He can never just let things go. He thinks he's this
hard-hearted criminal and he can be unrelenting, but... there's a side to
him that's just so...."

Fess: "You mean you actually know Jayne?"

Inara: "Jayne? Jayne Cobb?"
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
River: "Just keep walking, preacher-man."
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
Kaylee: "So, when we made love last night..."

Simon: "When we what???"

Kaylee: "You really are such an easy mark!"
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
Mal: "It's my estimation that... every man ever got a statue made of him was
one kind of sumbitch or another. It ain't about you, Jayne. It's about what
they need."
				--Episode #7, "Jaynestown"
%
Zoe: "You paid money for this, sir? On purpose?" 

Mal: "What? Come on, seriously, Zoe. Whaddya think?" 

Zoe: "Honestly, sir? I think you got robbed." 

Mal: "Robbed? What? No. What do you mean?" 

Zoe: "It's a piece of fei-oo." [fei-oo. = junk] 

Mal: "Fei-oo? Okay, she won't be winning any beauty contests anytime soon.
But she's solid. Ship like this, be with ya 'til the day you die." 

Zoe: "Cause it's a deathtrap." 
				--Episode #8, "Out of Gas"
%
Mal: "You are very much lacking in imagination."

Zoe: "I imagine that's so, sir."
				--Episode #8, "Out of Gas"
%
Mal: "Try and see past what she is, to what she can be."

Zoe: "What's that, sir?"

Mal: "Freedom, that's what."

Zoe: (pointing) "I meant, what's that?"

Mal: "Oh. Yeah, just step around that. I think something must have been living
in here."
				--Episode #8, "Out of Gas"
%
Zoe: "Get her running again?"

Mal: "Yeah.

Zoe: "So, not running now?"

Mal: "Not so much."
				--Episode #8, "Out of Gas"
%
Jayne: "Now, Inara, she's gotta have some real funny whorin stories, I
wager."

Inara: "Oh, do I ever!  Funny and sexy!  You have no idea.  And you never
will."
				--Episode #8, "Out of Gas"
%
Simon: "How did you know?  River, did you...?"

River: "Day is a vestigial mode of time measurement based on solar cycles. 
It's not applicable."  (beat)  "I didn't get you anything."
				--Episode #8, "Out of Gas"
%
Kaylee: "Catalyzer on the port compression coil blew.  That's where the
trouble started."

Mal: "I need that in Captain Dummy talk, Kaylee."
				--Episode #8, "Out of Gas"
%
Inara: "I love this ship.  I have from the first moment I saw it."

Simon: "I just don't want to die on it."

Inara: "I don't want to die at all."
				--Episode #8, "Out of Gas"
%
River: "Don't be afraid.  That's what it says, don't be afraid."

Book: "Yes."

River: "You're afraid we're going to run out of air.  That we'll die gasping. 
But we won't.  That's not going to happen.  We'll freeze to death first."
				--Episode #8, "Out of Gas"
%
Mal: "Wave your arms around, jump up and down, divert the navsats to the
transmitter, whatever."

Wash: "Divert the navsats to-- Right! Because teenage pranks are fun when
you're about to die!"
				--Episode #8, "Out of Gas"
%
Wash: "Even if some passerby did happen to receive it, all it would do is muck
up their navigation."

Mal: "Could be that's true."

Wash: "Damn right it's true! They'd be forced to stop and dig out our signal
before they could even go anyplace."

(Mal stares)

Wash: "Well, maybe I should do that, then!"

Mal: "Maybe you should!"

Wash: "Okay!"

Mal: "Good!"

Wash: "Fine!"
				--Episode #8, "Out of Gas"
%
Jayne: "What do you two think you're doing?  Fightin' at a time like this."  
(beat) "You'll use up all the air."
				--Episode #8, "Out of Gas"
%
Kaylee: "Ain't nothin wrong with your grav boot.  Grav boot's just fine. 
Hello!"

Bester: "She doesn't... that's not what... no it ain't!"

Kaylee: "Sure it is.  Grav boot ain't your trouble.  I seen the trouble
plain as day when I was down there on my back before..."
				--Episode #8, "Out of Gas"
%
Mal: "Jayne'll be worth something if you run into trouble, but don't trust
him, and don't let him take over. You're paid up through the end of the
month, this is still your ship."

Inara: "Mal..."

Mal: "As far as your security deposit goes, that I might have to owe you. "
%
Mal: "If it's Alliance trouble you got, you might want to consider another
ship. Some onboard here fought for the Independents."
				--Episode #8, "Out of Gas"
%
Inara: "The Alliance has no quarrel with me. I supported Unification."

Mal: Did ya?  Well, I don't suppose you're the only whore that did."

Inara: "Oh, one further addendum -- that's the last time you get to call me
"whore"."

Mal: "Absolutely. Never again."
				--Episode #8, "Out of Gas"
%
Mal: "And try not to talk. Talking uses up air.  Ain't no need for it."
				--Episode #8, "Out of Gas"
%
Inara: "Mal, you don't have to die alone."

Mal: "Everybody dies alone."
				--Episode #8, "Out of Gas"
%
Mal: "Which one do you figured tracked us?" 

Zoe: "The ugly one, sir." 

Mal: (beat) "Could you be more specific?"
				--Episode #8, "Out of Gas"
%
Mal: "Well, looks can be deceiving." 

Jayne: "Not as deceiving as a lowdown, dirty... deceiver." 

Mal: "Well said. Wasn't that well said, Zoe?" 

Zoe: "Had a kind of poetry to it, sir."
				--Episode #8, "Out of Gas"
%
Jayne: "You want I should shoot 'em now, Marco?"

Marco: "Wait till they tell us where they put the stuff."

Jayne: "That's a good idea.  Good idea. Tell us where the 
stuff's at, so I can shoot ya."

Mal: (raises hand) "Point of interest. Offering to shoot us 
might not work so well as an incentive as you might imagine."
				--Episode #8, "Out of Gas"
%
Mal: "I mean, let's say you did kill us... or didn't. There could be torture
- whatever - but somehow, you found the goods. What would your cut be?" 

Jayne: "Seven percent, straight off the top." 

Mal: "Seven? Oh." 

Jayne: "What?" 

Mal: "Hmm? Nothing. Not a thing. No, I just... (to Zoe) does that seem low to
you?" 

Zoe: "It does, sir." 

Jayne: "That ain't low." 

Marco: "Stop it!" 

Jayne: "Seven percent, standard." 

Mal: (laughs) "Okay. Zoe, I'm paying you too much." 
				--Episode #8, "Out of Gas"
%
Kaylee: "Catalyzer's a nothing part, captain."

Mal: "It's nothing until you don't got one. Then it appears to be everything."
				--Episode #8, "Out of Gas"
%
Captain: "You would have done the same."

Mal: "You can already see I haven't.  Now get the hell off my ship."
				--Episode #8, "Out of Gas"
%

Wash: "Could you please tell my wife the fun she's missing out on?"

Inara: "Ariel's quite nice place, actually.  There are some lovely museums,
not to mention some of the finest restaurants in the quadrant."

Wash: "But not boring like she made it sound."
				--Episode #9, "Ariel"
%
Mal: "You could have got off with Shepard Book at Bathgate Abbey.  You could
have been meditating on the wonders of your rock garden by now."

Jayne: "Well, it beats just sitting."

Wash: "It IS just sitting."
				--Episode #9, "Ariel"
%
Simon: "Could you not do that while we're... ever?"
				--Episode #9, "Ariel"
%
Wash: "Two days in a hospital?  Don't you just hate doctors?"

Simon: "Hey!"

Wash: "Present company excluded."

Jayne: "Let's not be excluding people.  That'd be rude."
				--Episode #9, "Ariel"
%
Wash: "You know, it's all very sweet, stealing from the rich, selling to the
poor..."
				--Episode #9, "Ariel"
%
Kaylee: "Figures.  First time on the Core and what do I get to do? Dig
through trash.  Why couldn't he send me shopping at the triplex, or... 
Oooh, synchronizers!"
				--Episode #9, "Ariel"
%
Mal: "Patients were cynical and not responding and we couldn't bring 'em
back-"

Simon: "They were cyanotic and not responsive."

Simon: (to Jayne) "What about cortical electrodes?"

Jayne: "Oh..." (obviously doesn't know the answer) "We forgot 'em."
				--Episode #9, "Ariel"
%
Mal: "Pupils were fixed and dilapidated-"

Simon: "Dilated-"

Mal: "Dilated! Dilated! Ching-wao tsao duh liou mahng!" [Frog-humping sonofabitch]
				--Episode #9, "Ariel"
%
Jayne: "Hell, I don't know.  If I'd wanted schooling, I'd have gone to school."
				--Episode #9, "Ariel"
%
Mal: "Now all we need is a coupla patients."

Simon: "Corpses, actually. For this plan to work, River and I will have to
be dead."

Jayne: (smiling) "I'm starting to like this plan."
				--Episode #9, "Ariel"
%
Mal: "Look, you got a little stabbed the other day.  It's bound
to make anyone a mite ornery."
				--Episode #9, "Ariel"
%
Jayne: "Nothing buys bygones quicker than cash."
				--Episode #9, "Ariel"
%
River (startling Jayne, jumping up from unconsciousness): "Copper for a kiss?"
				--Episode #9, "Ariel"
%
Mal: "Two lefts, two rights, and we're there. You see anyone, smile."

Zoe: "I don't think anyone smiles in hospitals."

Mal: "Course they do, it's the Core. Everyone's rich and happy here, why
wouldn't they smile?"
				--Episode #9, "Ariel"
%
Pompous Doctor: "Walk with me a minute." 

Mal: "Where're we going?" (Zoe sneaks away, around and behind the doctor) 

Pompous Doctor:"You see this badge? It says 'doctor'. I say walk, you
walk." 

Mal: "Yeah but, where're we going?" 

Pompous Doctor: "You must be new." (Zoe walks up behind him) "Don't get
comfortable, your type never lasts long around here. When your supervisor
hears about the rude and disrespect--ARGH!!!" (falls to the ground,
unconscious, revealing Zoe standing behind him with defib paddles) 

Zoe: (shrugs) "Clear."
				--Episode #9, "Ariel"
%
River: (cryptically to Jayne) "They took Christmas away."

Jayne: (confused) "What the hell now?"

River: "Came downstairs for the shiny presents...they took the tree, and the
stockings...nothing left but coal."

Jayne: (to Simon) "Would you shut her up?"

River: (to Jayne) "Don't look in the closet, either -- it's greedy."
(smiles) "It's not in the spirit of the holiday."

Jayne: "You shut the hell up right now or so help me, I'll shut you up."
Zoe: "Can we find someplace with a beach?"
				--Episode #9, "Ariel"
%
Wash: (grinning and skipping to her) "Maybe a naked beach?" (they kiss)

Mal: "Cut it out. Job's not done 'til we're back on Serenity."

Zoe: "Sorry, sir, didn't mean to enjoy the moment."
				--Episode #9, "Ariel"
%
Simon: "Agent McGinnis, I'm certain you're working under a superior keeping
close tabs on this case. I'm certain of that because important people don't
do fieldwork. I'm also certain your superior wants me and my sister alive.
Now, I'm not going to move from this start until one of two things happens:
you answer my very simple question, or you shoot me."

McGinnis: "We're transferring you to a holding center, until you can be
retrieved."

Simon: "Retrieved? By who?"

McGinnis: "People who want you alive.  People, not me."
				--Episode #9, "Ariel"
%
Jayne: Shee-nio high tech Alliance crap!"
				--Episode #9, "Ariel"
%
Kaylee: "Hey there, Inara! How was your checkup?"

Inara: "Same as last year. What's going on?"

Kaylee: (cheerfully) "Oh well let's see...we killed Simon and River, stole a
bunch of medicine, and now the Captain and Zoe are off springing the others 
that got snatched by the feds."
				--Episode #9, "Ariel"
%
Mal: "Hey! How was your thing?"

Inara: "As advertised -- lots of needles and cold exam tables. I heard you
had some excitement."

Mal: "Oh, nothin' much -- lotsa runnin' round, little gunplay...couple
needles."
				--Episode #9, "Ariel"
%
Simon: "He was amazing! (to Jayne) "We wouldn't be standing here if it
weren't for you."

Jayne: "Well, uh...you're part of my crew."

Mal: (sarcastic) "I think I might cry."
				--Episode #9, "Ariel"
%
Mal: "You called the Feds."

Jayne: "What?  I got pinched!"

Mal: "Which is what happens when you call the Feds."
				--Episode #9, "Ariel"
%
Mal: "You know, I hear tell they used to keelhaul traitors back in the day. 
I don't have a keel to haul you on, so..."
				--Episode #9, "Ariel"
%
Jayne: "What are you taking this so personal for? It ain't like I ratted you out
to the Feds."

Mal: "But you did. You turn on any of my crew, you turn on me! If that's a
concept that you can't seem to wrap your head around, then you got no place
here. You did it to me, Jayne, and that's a fact."
				--Episode #9, "Ariel"
%
Mal: "Next time you decide to stab me in the back, have the guts to do it to
my face."
				--Episode #9, "Ariel"
%
River: "Is it time to go to sleep again?"

Simon: "No, mei mei.  It's time to wake up."
				--Episode #9, "Ariel"
%
Book: "He said, 'Live with a man forty years, share his house, his meals, speak
on every subject... then tie him up and hold him over the volcano's edge.
And on that day, you will finally meet the man.' "

Simon: "What if you don't live near a volcano?"

Book: "I expect he was being poetical."

Simon: "Sadistic crap legitimized by florid prose. Tell me you're not a
fan."

Book: "I'm just wondering if they were. The people who did this to your
sister."
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Book: "A government is a body of people -- usually notably ungoverned.

Simon: "Now you're quoting the captain."
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Book: "Yes, I'd forgotten you're moonlighting as a criminal mastermind now.
Got your next heist planned?" 

Simon: "No. But I'm thinking about growing a big black mustache. I'm a
traditionalist."
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Mal: "Don't worry, I'm not gonna start any sword fights -- I'm over that
phase."
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Mal: "One of you is going to fall and kill yourself, and I'm not cleaning it
up!"
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Wash: "It's Jayne being so generous with his cut that confuses and frightens
me."

Zoe: "It does kind of freeze the blood."
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Zoe: "We mentioned that we were out of rations, and ten minutes later, a bunch
of apples rained into the trench."

Wash: "And they grew into a big tree, and they all climbed up the tree into a
magical land with unicorns and a harp."
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Wash: "And then came the lying to me about it, which for me is sort of the
highlight of this little adventure." 

Zoe: "Is there any way I'm gonna get out of this with honor and dignity?" 

Wash: "You're pretty much down to ritual suicide, lamby-toes." 
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Wash: "I love that you two are old Army buddies, you have wacky stories with
rib cages in them, but could you have an opinion of your own, please?"

Zoe: "You're losing the high ground here, sweetcakes."
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Wash: "I am a large, semi-muscular man. I can take it. Don't hide behind Mal
because you know he'll shoot it down!"

Zoe: "Right. Because what this marriage needs is one more shouting match."

Wash: "No, what this marriage needs is one less husband. Right now it's kind of
crowded."
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
River: "Going back. Like apple bits, coming back up."

Simon: "But you felt okay this morning?"

River: "Played with Kaylee. The sun came out and I walked on my feet and heard
with my ears. I ate the bits.. the bits that stay down and I work, I
function like I'm a girl. I hate it because I know it'll go away. The sun
grows dark and chaos has come again.  Its fluids.... What am I?"

Simon: "You are my beautiful sister."

River: "I threw up on your bed."

Simon: "Yup. Definitely my sister."
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Wash: "Didn't want you taking off without me. In fact, didn't want you
taking off at all. Thought I might take this run instead. Me and the
Captain." 

Mal: "The Captain who's standing right here telling you that's not gonna
happen?" 

Wash: "Well, it's a dangerous mission, sir. I can't stand the thought of
something happening that might cause you two to come back with another
thrilling tale of bonding and adventure. I just can't take that right now." 
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Mal: "Okay, um, I'm lost. Uh, I'm angry, and I'm armed, so if you two have
something that you need to work out --" 
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Wash: (to a departing Zoe) "Bye, hon! We promise not to stop for beers with
the fellas!" (sits down, starts the engines, then to Mal) "So, are we gonna
sing army songs or something?" 
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Wash: "Hey, I've been in a firefight before! Well, I was in a fire."
(beat) "Actually, I was fired from a fry-cook opportunity." 
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Jayne: "I'll be in my bunk."
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Book: "This is precision work; sharpshooters. From the look of these wounds,
I'd say a 54-R sniper rifle. Laser sights."

Jayne: "Do a lot of shooting at the abbey there, Shepard?"

Book: "Rabbits."
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Wash: "I don't want you to spare me, Mal. If you think you know what's
happening, then you tell me. You wouldn't spare Zoe if she were in this
situation with you, would you? You would be planning, and plotting and
possibly scheming. So whatever Zoe would do in this instance is what I wanna
do. Do you know why? No matter how ugly it gets, you two always come back
with the stories. So... I'm Zoe. Now, what do I do?" 

Mal: "Probably not talk quite so much." 

Wash: "Right. Less talking. She's terse. I can be terse. Once in flight
school, I was laconic."
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Wash: "I mean, I'm the one that she swore to love, honor and obey." 

Mal: "Listen, if..." (beat) "She swore to obey?" 

Wash: "Well, no, not... But that's just my point! You she obeys! She obeys
you! There's obeying going on right under my nose!"
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Wash: (to Mal) "Screw you!"

Mal: "Get in line!"
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Niska: "This is not enough.  Not enough for two.  But sufficient 
perhaps for one.  Ah, now you have to..."

Zoe: "Him. I'm sorry, you were going to ask me to choose, right? 
Do you want to finish?"
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Simon: "Well, it's a clean cut.  With the right equipment, I should be able
to reattach it.  That's assuming there's a head..."
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Niska: "Do you know the writings of Shan Yu?"

Mal: "You starting a book club."
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Zoe: "We're getting him back!"

Jayne: "What are we going to do, clone him?"
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Niska: "This is not a time for extraordinary men. Business is not war, heroics
are unseemly. They complicate."
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Wash: "Grenades?"

Zoe: "Oh, yes. Thank you, dear."
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Zoe: "We're going to get the captain."

Kaylee: "Oh... Good.... Can they do that?"

Jayne: "No."
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Zoe: "Preacher, don't the Bible have some pretty specific things to say
about killing? 

Book: "Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of
kneecaps."
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Zoe: "It's like throwing a dart, Jayne, and hitting a bullseye 6,000 miles
away. That's my man."
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Zoe: "Okay, people -- if it moves, shoot it."

Kaylee: "Unless it's the captain!"

Zoe: "Unless it's the captain."
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Mal: "Listen, if you got guests, I can come back later."
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
River: "No power in the 'verse can stop me."
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
(Mal, fighting with his torturer on the edge of the factory shaft precipice,
is interrupted by the arrival of his crew.  Jayne lifts his gun, and takes
aim; however, Zoe grabs his arm.)

Zoe: "This is something the Captain needs to do himself."

(Jayne lowers his gun)

Mal: (Calling back to them) "No, it's not --"

Zoe: "Oh."  (All aim and fire in unison)
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Inara: "I just wish you'd killed that old bastard."

Mal: "I got regrets on that score my own self."
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Simon: "I never shot anyone before."

Book: "I was there, son. I'm fair sure you haven't shot anyone yet."
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Mal: (unenthusiastically) "I know it's a difficult mission, but you and I...
have to get it on."

Zoe: (unenthusiastically) "I understand.  We have no choice. Take me, sir. 
Take me hard."

Jayne: "Now something about that is downright unsettling..."
				--Episode #10, "War Stories"
%
Mal (naked, alone in the desert): "Yep... that went well."
				--Episode #11, "Trash"
%
Monty: "Damn you, Bridget! Damn you ta Hades! You broke my heart in a
million pieces! You made me love you, and then y-- I SHAVED MY BEARD FOR
YOU, DEVIL WOMAN!"
				--Episode #11, "Trash"
%
Jayne: "Whoa there, Cap'n...tell me you didn't get into a fight with Monty."

Kaylee: "Really? But I thought we loved Monty!" (to Zoe, uncertain) "Don't
we love Monty?"

Zoe: "Sweetie, if he had a tussle with that Sasquatch, we'd be in the dirt
right about now, scoopin' up the Captain's teeth." 
				--Episode #11, "Trash"
%
Inara: "I'm not sleeping with you, Mal."

Mal: "Uh, no, I think I would have noticed. I think my keenly 
trained senses would..."
				--Episode #11, "Trash"
%
Mal: "This is one of the crazier things I've heard today and when I
tell you about the rest of my day, you'll appreciate..."
				--Episode #11, "Trash"
%
Mal: "Hey, no, we'll just set course for Planet of the Lonely, Rich, and
Appropriately Hygienic Man. I'll just tell Wash, we can park there for a
month."
				--Episode #11, "Trash"
%
Inara: "Right. You're a criminal mastermind. What was the last cargo we
snuck past the Alliance to transport?"

Mal: "That was--"

Inara: "What was the cargo?"

Mal: "They were dolls."

Inara: "They were little geisha dolls with big heads that wobbled!"

Mal: "Hey, people love those!"
				--Episode #11, "Trash"
%
Mal: "Petty?"

Inara: "I didn't mean petty."

Mal: "What did you mean?"

Inara: "Suo-shee?"

Mal: "That's Chinese for petty."
				--Episode #11, "Trash"
%
Mal: "I'm confused--"

Saffron: "You're asking yourself: if I've got the security 
codes, why don't I grab it for myself?"

Wash: "No, actually, I was wondering...  What's she doing on 
this ship?  Didn't she try to kill us?"

Saffron: "Please. Nobody died last time."
				--Episode #11, "Trash"
%
Wash: "We're in space.  How'd she get here?"

Mal: "She hitched."

Wash: "I don't recall pulling over."
				--Episode #11, "Trash"
%
Jayne: "Captain says you're to stay put. Doesn't want you runnin' afoul of
his blushin' psychotic bride. She figures out who you are, she'll turn you
in 'fore you can say... 'don't turn me in, lady'."
				--Episode #11, "Trash"
%
River: (looking at Jayne) "She's a liar."

Jayne: "That don't exactly set her apart from the rest of us. And the
plunder sounds fun enough."
				--Episode #11, "Trash"
%
River: "She's a liar and no good will come of her."

Jayne: "Well, I say as a rule that girlfolk ain't to be trusted."
				--Episode #11, "Trash"
%
River: "Jayne is a girl's name."

Jayne: "Well, Jayne ain't a girl!  If she starts in on that 'girl's name' 
thing,  I'll show her good an' all I got man parts."

Simon: "I'm trying to think of a way for you to be cruder. It's just not
coming."
				--Episode #11, "Trash"
%
Saffron: (to Durran) "They set on me at Parth, these awful men..."

Mal: "That wasn't me, though.  I don't know those men..."

Saffron: "They said they wanted ransom, but they... they sold me to
slavers..."

Mal: "Also unknown to me."
				--Episode #11, "Trash"
%
Saffron: "We gotta move fast."

Mal: "Yeah, he might come back and hug us in the act."
				--Episode #11, "Trash"
%
Saffron: "He's my husband."

Mal: "Well who in the damn galaxy isn't?"
				--Episode #11, "Trash"
%
Mal: "I hate to bring up our imminent arrest during your crazy time, but we
gotta move."

Saffron: "I should've killed Durran."

Mal: "Right. The one guy that don't have it coming. The man who knows you
and still loves you, treachery and all. Can't have him walking about."
				--Episode #11, "Trash"
%
Mal: "I've seen you without your clothes on before.  Never thought I'd see
you naked."
				--Episode #11, "Trash"
%
Saffron: "You won't tell anyone about me breaking down? 

Mal: "I won't."

Saffron: "Then I won't tell anyone how easily I got your gun out of your
holster."

Mal: "I'd take that as a kindness."
				--Episode #11, "Trash"
%
River: "Also, I can kill you with my brain."
				--Episode #11, "Trash"
%
Inara: "You call this going well?"

Mal: "We got the loot, didn't we?"

Inara: "Yes, but--"

Mal: "Then I call it a win.  What's the problem?"

Inara: "Should I start with the part where you're stranded in the 
middle of nowhere... or the part where you have no clothes?"
				--Episode #11, "Trash"
%
Wash: "Oh my god, it's grotesque! Oh, and there's something in a jar."
				--Episode #12, "The Message"
%
Zoe: "Scared her away again, did you?"

Simon: "This may come as a shock, but I'm actually not very good at talking
to girls."

Zoe: "Why, is there someone you are good at talking to?"
				--Episode #12, "The Message"
%
Wash: (to a jar with a cow fetus, mock-serious) "Do not fear me. Ours is a
peaceful race, and we must live in harmony..."
				--Episode #12, "The Message"
%
River: (trying to eat an 'ice-planet') "My food is troublesome."
				--Episode #12, "The Message"
%
Jayne: "I got post?"

Book: "Might we all want to step back a few paces before he opens that?"

Jayne: "Ha ha. It's from my mother."
				--Episode #12, "The Message"
%
Jayne: (wearing ugly homemade hat) "How's it sit? Pretty cunning,
 don'tchya think?"

Kaylee: "I think it's the sweetest hat ever."

Book: "Makes a statement."

Jayne: "Yeah, yeah!"

Wash: "A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he's not afraid
of anything."

Jayne: "Damn straight."
				--Episode #12, "The Message"
%
Tracey: "Thanks. Didn't know you were there."

Zoe: "That's sort of the point. Stealth, you may have heard of it."

Tracey: "I don't think they covered that in basic."

Zoe: "Well, at least they covered 'Dropping your weapon so you can eat beans
and get yourself shot'."

Tracey: "Yeah, I got a badge in that."
				--Episode #12, "The Message"
%
Mal: "Vitelli's out of it. That bumblebee laid down arms at the first sign
of inevitable crushing defeat, can you imagine such a cowardly creature?"
				--Episode #12, "The Message"
%
Mal: "Everybody dies, Tracey.  Someone's carrying a bullet for you right
now, doesn't even know it.  The trick is to die of old age before it finds
you."
				--Episode #12, "The Message"
%
Jayne: "We're taking him on board?"

Mal: "We are."

Jayne: "Don't figure the percentage in that."

Mal: "Don't strain your brain trying, then. Might break something."
				--Episode #12, "The Message"
%
Zoe: "I don't get this.  They're after Tracey?"

Mal: "Or there's something else in that box."

(later)

Mal: "Anything?"

Jayne: "Not unless this crate's made of magical wish-granting planks."
				--Episode #12, "The Message"
%
Mal: "Using corpses for smuggling is a time-honored repulsive custom."

Jayne: "Maybe it's gold!"

Zoe: "And maybe this was a friend of ours, and you wanna show a little
respect."

Jayne: "I got respect.  But I'm just saying... gold!"
				--Episode #12, "The Message"
%
Mal: "When you can't run anymore, you crawl, and when you can't do that, you
find someone to carry you."
%
Tracey: "That call means you just murdered me!"

Mal: "You murdered yourself, son.  I just carried the bullet for a while."
				--Episode #12, "The Message"
%

Inara: "Hi."

Mal: (terribly startled while working on his guns) "BWAAA!"

Inara: "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle."

Mal: "You didn't." (repeating, as if he meant to) "BWAAA!  That's kind of a
warrior... It's a... strikes fear into..." (nothing) "Bwaa?" (gives up) "You
know, it ain't altogether wise, sneaking up on a man when he's handling a
weapon."
				--Episode #13, "Heart of Gold"
%
Mal: "You know, not altogether wise, sneaking up on a man when he's
handling his weapon."

Inara: "I'm sure I've heard that said. But perhaps the dining area isn't the
place for this sort of thing?"

Mal: "What do you mean? Only place with a table big enough."

Inara: "Of course. In that case..." (rearranges guns) "Every well-bred petty
crook knows -- the small concealable weapons always go to the far left of
the place setting."
				--Episode #13, "Heart of Gold"
%
Mal: "This distress call wouldn't be taking place in someone's pants, would
it?"
				--Episode #13, "Heart of Gold"
%
Inara: "It sounds like the sort of thing this crew can handle. I can't
guarantee they'll handle it particularly well, but-"

Nandi: "If they got guns, and brains at all..."

Inara: "They have guns."
				--Episode #13, "Heart of Gold"
%
Zoe: "No one's gonna force you to go, Jayne. As has been stated -- this
job's strictly speculative."

Jayne: "Good. 'Cause I don't know these folks, don't much care to."

Mal: "They're whores."

Jayne: "I'm in."
				--Episode #13, "Heart of Gold"
%
Mal: "Any friend of Inara's is a strictly business-like relationship of
mine."
				--Episode #13, "Heart of Gold"
%
Mal: "I'll introduce you to the rest of the crew later.  They're good folk."

Jayne: (calls out from across the room) "Can I start gettin' sexed already?"

Mal: "Well, that's one kind of horrific."
				--Episode #13, "Heart of Gold"
%
Jayne: "My John Thomas is about to pop off and fly about the room,
there's so much tasty in here."

Wash: "Would be you'd get you most poetical about your pecker."
				--Episode #13, "Heart of Gold"
%
Kaylee: "Everybody's got somebody..." (wistfully) "Wash, tell me I'm
pretty..." 

Wash: "Were I unwed, I would take you in a manly fashion."

Kaylee: "'Cause I'm pretty?"

Wash: "'Cause you're pretty."

Kaylee: "Thank you.  That was very restorative."
				--Episode #13, "Heart of Gold"
%
Mal: "Inara, think you could stoop to being on my arm?"

Inara: "Will you wash it first?"
				--Episode #13, "Heart of Gold"
%
Mal: "Well, lady I must say..." (admiring smile) "...you're my kinda
stupid."
				--Episode #13, "Heart of Gold"
%
Zoe: "I ain't so afraid of losing something that I ain't gonna try
to have it."
				--Episode #13, "Heart of Gold"
%
River: (near a woman in labor) "Who do you think is in there?"
				--Episode #13, "Heart of Gold"
%
Mal: "Miss Nandi, I have a confession to make."

Nandi: "Maybe I should get the Shepherd."

Mal: "Well, I ain't sinned yet, and I'd feel more than a little awkward
having him here when I do."
				--Episode #13, "Heart of Gold"
%
Kaylee: "Captain seem a little funny to you at breakfast this morning?"

Wash: "Come on, Kaylee. We all know I'm the funny one."
				--Episode #13, "Heart of Gold"
%
Inara: "This is just a moment in time.  Step aside and let it happen."
				--Episode #13, "Heart of Gold"
%
Petaline: "Jonah, say hello to your daddy." (aims gun).  "Say goodbye to
your daddy, Jonah." (fires)
				--Episode #13, "Heart of Gold"
%
Simon: "I wish I was lying!  I just... you know, we'd all made surgeon. 
That was it.  We were the elite.  The world was ours, you know."

Kaylee: "So you had to be naked?"

Simon: "Naked, yes.  And on top of the statue of Hippocrates.  Can't you
just picture me?"

Kaylee: "What, naked?  Oh well, hmm... let's see.  I'm gonna have to conjure
up... Yeah, that's gonna be difficult... so, did the Feds come?"
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Simon: "This is not funny.  This is a morality tale about the evils of
sake."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Simon: "It was either that or the National Anthem.  Reports vary."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Jayne: "Saint Jayne, it's got a ring to it!"

Book: "I'm just trying to remember how many miracles you've performed."

Jayne: "I once hit a guy in the neck from 500 yards with a bent scope.  Does
that count upstairs?"

Book: "Oh, it will be taken into consideration."

Jayne: "You made that sound kind of ominous."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
River: "It's just an object.  Doesn't mean what you think."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Mal: "Fully loaded, safety off.  This here's a recipe for unpleasantness. 
Does she understand that?"

River: "She understands.  She doesn't comprehend.

Mal: "Well, I'm glad we've made that distinction."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Mal: "When I want a lot of medical jargon, I'll talk to a doctor. 

Simon: "You are talking to a doctor." 
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Mal: "We're in deep space, corner of no and where."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Wash: "Little River just gets more colorful by the moment. What'll she do
next?" 

Zoe: "Either blow us all up or rub soup in our hair. It's a toss-up." 

Wash: "I hope she does the soup thing. It's always a hoot, and we don't all
die from it."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Jayne: "Let's move this conversation in a not-Jayne's-fault direction."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Jayne: "Anyone remember her coming at me with a butcher knife?"

Wash: "Wacky fun..."

Jayne: "You want to go, little man?"

Wash: "Only if it's someplace with candlelight."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Zoe: "I don't think she'd harm anyone."

Jayne: "Butcher knife!"

Zoe: "Anyone we can't spare."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Kaylee: "Didn't make much account of myself, I'm afraid."

Mal: "I got no problem with the notion of you not killing no one, Kaylee."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Kaylee: "She just did the math."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Inara: "This is not a joking matter!  This is about our lives!  And
River's."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Simon: "She's just a kid.  She just... wants to be a kid."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Mal: "But she does have an oddness to her. And I ain't just talking about
her proficiency with firearms. Girl knows things. Things she shouldn't.
Things she couldn't." 

Jayne: "Wha-...are you-are you sayin' she's a witch?" 

Wash: (sarcastically) "Yes, Jayne. She's a witch. She has had congress with
the beast." 

Jayne: "She's in Congress?" 

Wash: (amazed) "How did your brain even learn human speech? I'm just so
curious."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Wash: "Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction." 

Zoe: "We live in a space ship, dear." 
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Jayne: "... and if wishes were horses we'd all be eating steak!"
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Kaylee: "Don't let the space bugs bite!  (embarrassed, to herself) "Space
bugs?"
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Early: "Strains the mind a bit.  You think you're all alone... Maybe I come
down the chimney, Kaylee.  Bring presents to all the good girls and boys. 
Maybe not, though.  Maybe I've always been here."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Simon: "And which part of your plan dictated the necessity of beating up a
shepard?"

Early: "That ain't a shepard."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Early: "Is it still her room when it's empty?  Does the room, the thing,
have purpose?  Or do we... What's the word?"

Simon: "I really can't help you."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Simon: "So you're a bounty hunter."

Early: "That ain't it at all."

Simon: "Then what are you?"

Early: "I'm a bounty hunter."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Early: "They make psychiatrists get psychoanalyzed before they can get
certified, but they don't make surgeons get cut on.  That seem right to you?"
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Early: "You ever been shot?"

Simon: "No."

Early: "You out to be shot.  Or stabbed.  Lose a leg.  To be a surgeon, you
know.  Know what kind of pain you're dealing with."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Simon: "Come on out, River.  The nice man wants to kidnap you."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Inara: "This is pointless, you know."

Early: "200,000 seems fairly pointed to me."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Inara: "Serenity is a smuggling ship.  I've been here a year, I couldn't
name all the places she might hide."

Early: "I don't have a year." (beat) " Your sister is being a real annoyance."

Simon: "I feel for you."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Early: "Man is stronger by far than woman, but only woman can create a
child.  Does that seem right to you?"
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Early: "You know, with the exception of one deadly and unpredictable midget,
this girl is the smallest cargo I've ever had to transport. Yet by far the
most troublesome. Does that seem right to you?"

Simon: "What'd he do?"

Early: "Who?"

Simon: "The midget."

Early: "Arson. Little man loved fire."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
River/Serenity: "You're wrong about River.  River's not on the ship.  They
didn't want her here, but she couldn't make herself leave.  So she melted...
Melted away.  They didn't know she could do that, but she did."

Early: "I'm not sure I take your meaning there."

River/Serenity: "I'm not on the ship.  I'm in the ship." (beat) "I am the
ship."

Simon: "River..."

River/Serenity: "River's gone."

Early: "Then who exactly are we talking to?"

River/Serenity: "You're talking to Serenity.  And, Early... Serenity is very
unhappy."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Early: "I only hurt people because they keep getting in the way of me
finding you." (to Simon): "Tell her."

Simon: "What am I?  Your advocate?"

Early: (aiming his gun) "You are now."

Simon: "He's really very... gentle... and fuzzy.  We're becoming fast
friends."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
(River/Serenity laughs)

Early: "You folks are all insane."

Simon: "Well, my sister's a ship.  We had a complicated childhood."

Early: Doesn't anybody care that I have a finely crafted gun pointed at this
boy's head?"
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Early: "Where'd she go?"

Simon: "I can't keep track of her when she's not incorporeally possessing a
spaceship.  Don't look at me."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Mal: "There's a guy.. he's very blurry.  You gotta be careful." (beat)
"Oh... how come there's a guy on board?  How come you're all of a sudden the
ship?"

River/Serenity: "I know you have questions."

Mal: "That would be why I just asked them."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Mal: "Am I dreaming?"

River/Serenity: "We all are." (beat) "Don't make faces."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Wash: "How about his face?  Is his face wearing armor?"

River/Serenity: "No touching guns!"
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Early: "I'll be a son of a whore!  You're not in my gorram mind!  You're in
my gorram ship!"
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
River/Serenity: "You're not right, Early.  You're not righteous.  You got
issues.

Early: "No.  Well, yes.  I could have that."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
River: "Don't belong.  Dangerous, like you.  Can't be controlled.  Can't be
trusted.  Everyone can just go on without me and not have to worry.  People
could be what they wanted to be.  Could be with the people they wanted. 
Live simple.  No secrets..."

Simon: "No..."

River: "I'll be fine.  I'll be your bounty, Jubal Early.  And I'll just fade
away."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
River: "Permission to come aboard?"

Mal: "You know, you ain't quite right."

River: "It's the popular theory."

Mal: "Go on.  Get in there. Give your brother a thrashing for messing up
your plan."

River: "He takes so much looking after."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Zoe: "This is really not my area of expertise, doctor.  I tend to be putting
these into people more than the other thing."

Wash: "Can I mop your brow?  I am at the ready with the fearsome brow
mopper."

Simon: "You got the bullet.  Okay, I'm going to pass out now, but you're
doing great."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Jayne: "All them years of priest training, taken out by one bounty hunter."

Book: "Don't get me wrong, I gave him a hell of a fight."

Jayne: "Epic, I'm guessing."

Book: "There'll be poems and songs, just you wait."

Jayne: "At least you got some play.  I missed every damn thing."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Early (drifting): "Well... here I am..."
				--Episode #14, "Objects in Space"
%
Cashier: "Nineteen.  Twenty."

Mal: "And done."

(The cashier hands Mal a wad of bills; Mal starts to count it.)

Mal: "Not that I don't trust you... but I don't trust you."
				--Unfilmed Episode, "Dead or Alive"
%
Wash: "Let's go get us some of those curly carrots.  Love 'em deep fried."

(Wash starts to move Zoe off; she stops him and turns to Mal)

Zoe: "Capt'n?"

Wash: (drops arm) "Yeah, dad.  Can we go?  Promise to be home before
midnight."

Mal: "Go.  Wouldn't want to be responsible for cold curly carrots."
				--Unfilmed Episode, "Dead or Alive"
%
Mal: "Guess I'm not giving you money."

Inara: "No."

Mal: (smilin') "Well, unless there'd be some kind of benefit for the
exchange of said money..."

Inara: "Definitely, no."

Mal: "Then I suppose the least I can do is escort you to the fair."

Inara: "How adolescent... and charming of you."
				--Unfilmed Episode, "Dead or Alive"
%
Simon: "River has never been to a fair and she hasn't had a chance to
do much that is fun in awhile..."

Mal: "Alliance jail could be fun."
				--Unfilmed Episode, "Dead or Alive"
%
Kaylee: "You shouldn't feel bad you didn't guess the fat lady's weight.
I actually thought it was quite sweet to drop fifty pounds."

Book: "Seemed a wise choice."
				--Unfilmed Episode, "Dead or Alive"
%
Mal: "Now you can't tell me that an attractive lady like yourself has
never been escorted to a fair?"

Inara: (laughing) "They weren't quite the thing where I was raised."

(Mal stops, not loving that comment, then tosses another ring. Makes it
again.)

Mal: "Poor little Inara, not allowed to get her hands dirty with us
common folk."

Inara: (taken aback) "That's not what I --"  (Mal throws another) "I
guess not everyone's lucky enough to fulfill their lifelong dream of
becoming an expert ring tosser."
				--Unfilmed Episode, "Dead or Alive"
%
Cmdr. Tanaka: "Thanks to the good Alliance people of Verbena, our gear
shift factory is opening ten days ahead of schedule."

(The crowd around the stage cheers. Mal claps, hollers.)

Mal: "Oh, yeah. Let's all hear it for the good Alliance."
				--Unfilmed Episode, "Dead or Alive"
%
(Jayne approaches, injured stuffed turtle in hand.  Holds it up.)

Mal: "Jayne."

Jayne: "<Bastards> singed my turtle."

(Everyone stares at Jayne)

Zoe: "Let me find a medic."

Jayne: "Thanks."
				--Unfilmed Episode, "Dead or Alive"
%
(River motions Mal over to her, like she has a secret)

Mal: "Yeah?"

River: "Purple elephants are flying."

Mal: "Good.  Thanks for the update."
				--Unfilmed Episode, "Dead or Alive"
%
Inara: "What should I do?"

Simon: (hands her bandages): "Tie it off."

Inara: "Simon, I'm good with anatomy, but not like this..."
				--Unfilmed Episode, "Dead or Alive"
%
Wash: "Zoe?"

Zoe: "Yeah."

Wash: "What if this guy, you know, did it?"

Zoe: "Trust me, darling, this guy couldn't even tie his shoelaces if it
wasn't described to him using step by step graphics."
				--Unfilmed Episode, "Dead or Alive"
%
Jayne: "Come out, come out, wherever you are.  We won't hurt you...
much."
				--Unfilmed Episode, "Dead or Alive"
%
Jayne: "Hey!"

Kaylee: "Sorry."

Jayne: "Got any thread?" (Holds up stuffed turtle; its neck is almost
gone) "His floppy neck's makin' me sad."
				--Unfilmed Episode, "Dead or Alive"
%
River reads a story, surrounded by little injured children:

River: (sweet voice) "And the beautiful princess every night prayed for
her handsome prince... "

River: (continuing) "... to fight through the terrible ivy of thorns
and climb up to her room and slay all the wicked, evil demons... "

River: (much later, sweetly sing-songy) "And then the beautiful princess
got tired of waiting for her handsome prince and tried to escape, but
they found her and to punish her they locked her in a smelly, white,
cold room where the evil blue demons strapped electrodes to her face
and started to shock her. Zap, zap, zap, until she couldn't stop
screaming. Only no one could hear."

(River remains smiling; the kids not so much.  In fact, they're just a
little bit freaked out by the story and by the freaky lady telling it)
				--Unfilmed Episode, "Dead or Alive"
%
Teacher: "The Central Planets formed the Alliance, so everyone can
enjoy the comfort and enlightenment of true civilization."
				--"Serenity"
%
Operative: "Do you know what your sin is?"
				--"Serenity"
%
Operative: "The minds behind every diplomatic, military, and covert 
operation in the galaxy, and you put them in a room with a psychic."
				--"Serenity"
%
Operative: "In certain older civilized cultures, when men failed as 
completely as you have, they would throw themselves on their swords."

Dr. Mathias: "Well, unfortunately, I forgot to bring a sword..."

(Schhhhing -- the Operative pulls one out)
				--"Serenity"
%
Operative: "I believe in something that is greater than myself.  A 
better world.  A world without sin."

Mal: "So me and mine got to lie down and die so you can live in your 
better world?"

Operative: "I'm not going to live there.  There's no place for me there."
				--"Serenity"
%
Operative: "Every minute you keep River Tam from me, more people will die."

Mal: "You think I care?"

Operative: "Of course you do.  You're not a reaver, Mal."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "I don't murder children."

Operative: "I do.  If I have to."
				--"Serenity"
%
Operative: "This is a good death.  There is no shame in this."
				--"Serenity"
%
Wash: "This landing is gonna get pretty interesting."

Mal: "Define 'interesting'".

Wash: "Oh God, oh God, we're all gonna die?"
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "We may experience some slight turbulence and then... explode."

Jayne (whining): "Explode?  I don't wanna explode!"
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "You told me the entry couplings would hold for another week!"

Kaylee: "That was six months ago, cap'n."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "Fear is nothing to be ashamed of, Doc."

Simon: "This isn't fear.  This is anger."

Mal: "Well, it's hard to tell the one from t'other, face like yours."

Simon: "I imagine if it were fear, my eyes would be wider."

Mal: "I'll look for that next time."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "I am taking your sister under my protection here.  That means that if
anything happens to her, I swear to you I will get very choked up.  Honestly.  
There could be tears."
				--"Serenity"
%
Simon: "It's okay to leave them to die."
				--"Serenity"
%
Zoe: "Are those grenades?"

Jayne: "Cap'n doesn't want 'em."

Zoe: "We're robbing the place.  We're not occupying it."
				--"Serenity"
%
Jayne: "Shiny.  Lets be bad guys."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "We mean to be thieving here, but what we are after is not yours.  So
let's have no undue fuss."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "I see a head start to rise, violence is gonna ensue."
				--"Serenity"
%
Zoe: "You know what the definition of a hero is?  It's someone who gets other 
people killed.  You can look it up later."
				--"Serenity"
%
Zoe (after breaking into a nearly empty bank safe): "At last, we can retire
and give up this life of crime."
				--"Serenity"
%
Guard: "You have to give me your authorization password."

(Jayne fires down into the vault... there is a delay)

Guard: "Okay!"
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "Leg's good.  It'll bleed plenty and we avoid any necessary organs."

Guard: "I was thinking, more of a graze..."

Mal: "Well, you don't want it to look like you just gave up."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "Come a day there won't be room for naughty men like us to slip about
at all."
				--"Serenity"
%
Jayne: "Mal!  MAL!"

Mal: "Every heist, he's gotta start yelling my name."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal (being pursued closely by Reavers): "Faster.  Faster.  Faster would be 
better!!!"
				--"Serenity"
%
Jayne (being attacked by reavers, after being made to leave his weapons
behind): "Boy, sure would be nice to have some GRENADES, don'tcha think?"
				--"Serenity"
%
Jayne: "I won't get eaten!  You shoot me if they take me!"

(Mal aims toward Jayne in an attempt to free him)

Jayne: "Well don't shoot me FIRST!"
				--"Serenity"
%
River: "He didn't lie down.  They never lie down."
				--"Serenity"
%
Kaylee (to Simon): "Are you okay?"

Mal: "Is HE okay?"

Simon (rushing to River, who is seemingly unfazed): "River?"

River: "I swallowed a bug."
				--"Serenity"
%
Jayne: "I'll kill a man in a fair fight... or if I think he's going to start a
fair fight... or if he bothers me, or if there's a woman.. or I'm gettin' paid.
Mostly if I'm gettin' paid."
				--"Serenity"
%
Kaylee (to Simon, as he leaves): "Don't ride in anything with a Capissen 38 
engine, they fall right out of the sky!"
				--"Serenity"
%
River: "It's not safe..."

Simon: "Yes.  Yes, I fear it's not safe anymore."

River: "...for them."
				--"Serenity"
%
Zoe: "In the time of war, we woulda never left a man stranded."

Mal: "Maybe that's why we lost."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "Mingo.  Fanty."

Mingo (pointing to Fanty): "He's Mingo."

Mal: "He's Fanty.  You're Mingo."

Mingo: "Ghahh!  How is it you always know?"

Mal: "Fanty's prettier."
				--"Serenity"
%
Kaylee: "Goin' on a year now I ain't had nothin' twixt my nethers weren't run
on batteries."

Mal: "Oh God!  I can't know that!"

Jayne: "I could stand to hear a little more..."
				--"Serenity"
%
Fanty: "You know that girl?"

Mal: "I really don't..."
				--"Serenity"
%
Wash: "Can we start with the part where Jayne gets knocked out by a ninety
pound girl?  'Cause I don't think that's ever getting old."
				--"Serenity"
%
Jayne (interrupting the "safe words" that make River fall asleep): "Well don't
say it!!!"

Zoe: "It only works on her, Jayne."

Jayne: "Oh.  Well, now I know that."
				--"Serenity"
%
Jayne: "Didn't we have a intricate plan how they was gonna be not here anymore?"

Kaylee: "We couldn't leave them now...!"

Jayne: "No, now that she's a... killer woman, we oughta be bringing her tea and
dumplings."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mr. Universe: "You guys always bring me the very best violence."
				--"Serenity"
%
River: "Put a bullet to me.  Bullet in the brainpan, squish."
				--"Serenity"
%
River: "It isn't mine.  The memory.  I didn't bring it and I shouldn't have to 
carry it, it isn't mine."
				--"Serenity"
%
Simon: "Am I talking to Miranda now?"  (River makes a face)  "No.  Right."
				--"Serenity"
%
Book: "You got a plan?"

Mal: "Hiding ain't a plan?"
				--"Serenity"
%
Book: "When I talk about belief, why do you always assume I'm talking about
God?"
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "Kaylee's been missing you something fierce."
				--"Serenity"
%
Zoe: "So.. Trap?"

Mal: "Trap."

Zoe: "We goin' in?"

Mal: "Ain't nothin' but a few hours out."

Wash: "But, remember the part where it's a trap?"
				--"Serenity"
%
Kaylee: "How can you be sure Inara just don't wanna see you?  Sometimes
people have feelings - I'm referring here to people..."

Mal: "Y'all were watching, I take it?"

(guilty glances)

Mal: "Did you see us fight?"

Kaylee: "No."

Mal: "Trap."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "Zoe, ship is yours.  ...you don't hear from me within the hour, you 
take this ship and you come and rescue me!"

Zoe: "What?  And risk my ship?"
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "Dear Buddha: please send me a pony, and a plastic rocket, and..."
				--"Serenity"
%
Inara: "Mal, what are you doing here?"

Mal: "You invited me."

Inara: "Yes, but I never thought for a second you'd be stupid enough to come!"

Mal: "Well that makes you kind of a tease, doesn't it?"
				--"Serenity"
%
Operative: "I'm impressed that you would come for her yourself.  And that 
you would make it this far in that outfit."
				--"Serenity"
%
Operative: "It's worse than you know."

Mal: "It usually is."
				--"Serenity"
%
Operative: "That girl will rain destruction down on you and your ship.  She's 
an albatross, Captain."

Mal: "Way I remember it, albatross was a ship's good luck... till some idiot 
killed it." (to Inara) "Yes, I've read a poem.  Try not to faint."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "If the alliance wanted to show me reason, they shouldn't have sent an 
assassin."
				--"Serenity"
%
Operative (to Mal): "You can not make me angry."

Inara: "Please - spend an hour with him!"
				--"Serenity"
%
Operative: "I want to resolve this like civilized men.  I'm not threatening
you.  I'm unarmed."

Mal: "Good." (draws and fires; operative falls to the ground, but comes back
up fighting)

Operative: "I am of course wearing full body armor.  I am not a moron."
				--"Serenity"
%
Operative: "Nothing here is what it seems.  He's not the plucky hero.  The 
Alliance isn't some evil empire.  This isn't the grand arena."

Inara: "And that's not incense." (explosion ensues)
				--"Serenity"
%
Operative: "Have you found the nav sat?"

Officer: "Sir?  We found seven."
				--"Serenity"
%
Operative (to ensign): "Define 'disappeared'."
				--"Serenity"
%
Zoe: "Do you really think any of us are gonna get through this?"

Jayne: "... I might..."
				--"Serenity"
%
Book: "It's not your way."

Mal: "I have a way?  Is that better than a plan?"
				--"Serenity"
%
Operative: "I'm a monster.  What I do is evil, I've no illusions about that.  
But it must be done."
				--"Serenity"
%
Book: "They'll come at you sideways.  It's how they think: sideways.  
Sidle up and smile, hit you where you're weak."
				--"Serenity"
%
Jayne: "No offense, Doc, I think it's noble as a grape the way you 
look after River, but she ain't my sister, and she ain't your crew."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "You all got on this boat for different reasons, but you all come to the
same place.  So now I'm asking more of you than I have before.  Maybe all.  
'Cause as sure as I know anything, I know this: they will try again.  
...they'll swing back to the belief that they can make people... better.  
And I do not hold to that.  So no more running.  I aim to misbehave."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "Are you anything but a weapon?  I've staked my crew's life on the theory 
that you're a person, actual and whole, and if I'm wrong, you'd better shoot me 
now..."

(River cocks gun)

Mal: "... or, we could talk more."
				--"Serenity"
%
River: "I had to show them.  I didn't know if you were going to make me sleep."

Simon: "You could have asked."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "Do you want to run this ship?"

Jayne: "Yes."

Mal: (beat) "Well... you can't!"
				--"Serenity"
%
Inara: "I just want to know who I'm dealing with.  I've seen too many versions 
of you to be sure."

Mal: "I start fighting a war I guarantee you'll see something new."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: ".... I wish like hell you was elsewhere."

Inara: "I was."
				--"Serenity"
%
Wash: "Can I suggest something that doesn't involve violence, or is this the
wrong crowd for that?"
				--"Serenity"
%
Simon: "We'll get off.  River and I will get off and..."

Kaylee: "Nobody's saying that."

Wash: "Nobody besides Jayne is saying that."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal (to a badly injured Book): "Shepherd... don't move."

Book: "Won't go far."
				--"Serenity"
%
Book: "I shot him down... I killed the ship... that killed us.  Not very 
Christian of me."

Mal: "You did what's right."

Book: "...coming from you, that means... almost nothing."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "Shouldn't have been you - they shoulda hit us."

Book: "That crossed my mind..."
				--"Serenity"
%
River: "Runtse duh shang-dee, ching daiwuhtzo [Merciful God, please take me
away].  Make them stop, they're everywhere, every city every house every
room, they're all inside me.  I can hear them all and they're saying nothing! 
GET UP!  PLEASE GET THEM UP!  Wuoshang mayer, maysheen, byen shr-too [I will 
close my ears and my heart and I will be a stone], please God, make me a stone!"

Jayne: "She is starting to damage my calm."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal (after Simon punches him): "Tzao ss-ma?  Nee-yow wuh-kai chang?" [You
wanna bullet?  You wanna bullet right in the throat?]
				--"Serenity"
%
(in response to Mal's plan to reaverize Serenity)

Inara: "Runtse de fwotzoo, ching baoyo wuomun..." [Oh merciful Buddha,
protect us...]

Wash: "Juhguh jee hua jun kuhpah!" [This plan is horrific.]
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "It's of interest to me how much you know about that world."

Book: "I wasn't born a Shepherd, Mal."

Mal: "Have to tell me about that sometime."

Book: "No, I don't."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "And we're gonna need paint.  We're going to need red paint."
				--"Serenity"
%
Zoe: "Sir.  Do you really mean to turn our home into an abomination 
so we can make a suicidal attempt at passing through Reaver space?"

Mal: "I mean to live.  I mean for us to live.  The Alliance won't
have that, so we go where they won't follow."
				--"Serenity"
%
Zoe: "How much ammo is left?"

Jayne: "Three mags and my swinging cod!"
				--"Serenity"
%
Simon: "River - I'm sorry..."

River: "No.  No."

Simon: "I hate to... leave..."

River: "You won't.  You take care of me.  You've always taken care of me." 
(pause)  "My turn."
				--"Serenity"
%
Zoe: "The Alliance knows about Mr. Universe.  They're gonna see this coming."

Mal: "No.  They're not going to see this coming."
				--"Serenity"
%
Operative: "Target the reavers.  Target the reavers!  Target everything!  
Somebody, fire!!!"
				--"Serenity"
%
Simon: "My one true regret in all this is never being with you."

Kaylee: "With me?  You mean to say, as... sex?"

Simon: "... I mean to say."

Kaylee (cocking gun): "Hell with this!  I'm gonna live!"
				--"Serenity"
%
Operative: "It's finished.  We're finished."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mr. Universe: "They can't stop the signal, Mal.  They can never stop the 
signal."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mr. Universe/lovebot: "Mal?  Guy killed me, Mal.  He killed me with a sword. 
How weird is that?"
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal (looking at the transmitter past a fall to certain doom): "'Hard to get
to'?!  That's a fact!"
				--"Serenity"
%
Operative: "Are you willing to die for that belief?"

Mal: (beat) "Yes."  (He and the Operative draw on each other.  Mal fires first,
disarming the Operative.)  " 'Course, that ain't exactly plan A."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "That's what you want, isn't it?"

Inara: "I don't know."

Mal: "Good answer."
				--"Serenity"
%
Operative: "Do you know what your sin is?

Mal: "Aw hell, I'm a big fan of all seven... but right now, I'm gonna have to go
with wrath."
				--"Serenity"
%
Wash: "I am a leaf on the wind.  Watch how I soar."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "I ain't gonna kill you.  Hell, I'm gonna grant your greatest wish.  
I'm gonna show you a world without sin."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "Ok, clearly some aptitude for this, but it ain't all buttons and
charts, little albatross. You know what the first rule of flying is? Well, I
suppose you do, since you already know what I'm about to say. "

River: "I do. But I like to hear you say it."

Mal: "Love. You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but you take a boat
into the air you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the
turning of worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down,
tells you she's hurting 'fore she keens. Makes her a home."

River: "Storm's getting worse."

Mal: "We'll pass through it soon enough."
				--"Serenity"
%
Operative: "When your quarry goes to ground, leave no ground to go to."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "Half of writing history is hiding the truth."
				--"Serenity"
%
Zoe: "She's tore up plenty.  But she'll fly true."
				--"Serenity"
%
Jayne: "Go hwong-tong [Enough of this nonsense].  No trouble now, little 
crazy person...  we're going for a nice shuttle ride..."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "Keep on talking... You're not getting a location trace off this wave..."
				--"Serenity"
%
River: "I can't shut them up, they're all made up of rage..."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "Zoe?  Are you here?"

Zoe: "Do the job, sir."

Mal.  You hold.  Hold till I'm back."
				--"Serenity"
%
Operative: "You should know there's no shame in this.  You've done remarkable 
things.  But you're fighting a war you've already lost."

Mal: "Yeah, I'm known for that."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "I don't plan on any shooting taking place during this job."

Jayne: "Well, what you plan and what takes place ain't ever exactly been 
similar."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "Just get us on the ground!"

Wash: "That part'll happen, pretty definitely."
				--"Serenity"
%
Fanty: "You're unpredictable, Mal... you run when you oughtta fight, 
fight when you oughtta deal.  Makes a business person twitchy..."
				--"Serenity"
%
River: "Show me off like a dog, old men covered in blood, it never 
touched them but they're drowning in it... I don't know what I'm 
saying, I never know what I'm saying..."
				--"Serenity"
%
Operative: "We locked on to Serenity's pulse beacon the moment you 
hit atmo.  I can speak a word and send a missile to that exact location 
inside of three minutes."

Mal: "You do that, best make peace with your dear and fluffy lord."
(tosses a gadget to the Operative)

Operative: "... pulse beacon..."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "Piece of shrapnel tore up that nerve cluster my first
tour.  Had it moved."
				--"Serenity"
%
River: "Miranda."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "What was that?"
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "I, uh, better go see how the inevitable mutiny is coming along..."
				--"Serenity"
%
Teacher: "...so why would [the independents] fight so hard against us?"

River: "We meddle."

Teacher: "River?"

River: "People don't like to be meddled with.  We tell them what to do, 
what to think, don't run don't walk we're in their homes and in their heads 
and we haven't the right.  We're meddlesome."

Teacher: "River, we're not telling people what to think.  We're just trying 
to show them how."
				--"Serenity"
%
Dr. Mathias: "All our subjects are conditioned for combat, but River... 
she's a creature of extraordinary grace."

Simon: "Yes.  She always did love to dance."
				--"Serenity"
%
Operative: "We're making a better world.  All of them, better worlds."
				--"Serenity"
%
Zoe: "Nobody flies like my mister."
				--"Serenity"
%
Simon: "I bring River all the way out to the raggedy edge of the 'verse 
so she can hide from the Alliance by robbing banks."

Kaylee: "I know the cap'n'll look out for her.  They'll be back before you 
can spit." (beat)  "Not that you spit."
				--"Serenity"
%
Jayne: "How come they ain't blowin' us out of the air?"

Mal: "They wanna run us down.  The up close kill."

River: "They want us alive when they eat us."
				--"Serenity"
%
Screen in a bar, advertising candy: "Not Mandatory"

[Ed: There's mandatory candy?]
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "Hello, little one.  You know your part in this?"

River: (beat) "Do you?"

Mal: "It's what I do, darlin'."  (sighing) "It's what I do."
				--"Serenity"
%
Mal: "Ready to go to work, darlin'?"

River: "There's no pattern to the pebbles here.  Completely random.  "I
tried to count them, but you drove too fast.  Hummingbird.

Mal: "Alright.  Great.  Lets go."
				--"Serenity", deleted scenes
%
Sheydra: "All the more reason the girls look to you.  You've seen so much.
You're a figure of great romance to them."

Inara: "Great romance has nothing to do with being a companion, Sheydra; you
should know better."

Sheydra: (coyly) "I'm not the one who had a torrid affair with a pirate."

Inara: (shocked) "A who?  With a what?"

Sheydra: "It's the talk of the house.  The girls all trade stories in the
dorms at night."

Inara: "I... didn't... have a... pirate!"

Sheydra: "In one of the stories, you make love in a burning temple.  I think
that's my favorite."
				--"Serenity", deleted scenes
%
Book: "Lord - I'm walking your way.  Let me in, for my feet are sore.  My
clothes are ragged.  Look in my eyes, Lord, and my sins will play out in
them as on the screen.  Read them off.  Forgive what you can, and send me
on my path.  I will walk on until you give me rest."
				--"Serenity", deleted scenes
%
Mal:"They take you down, I don't expect to grieve over it much.  I'd like
to kill you myself if I ever see you again."

Operative: "You won't." (pause) "There is nothing left to see."

(Operative walks off, then stops near the engine, looking up at the ship
through the rain)

Operative: "Serenity.  You lost everything in that battle.  Everything you
had, everything you were.  How did you go on?"

Mal: "You're still standing there when that engine starts, you never will
figure it out." (walks into Serenity)  "What a whiner!"
				--"Serenity", deleted scenes
%
Zoe: (to Wash, lovingly) "That was close."  (They hug each other playfully)

Mal: "Hey, what are you guys doin?" (beat) "Making out?"

Wash: (flips off Mal) "Blow it, captain."
				--"Serenity", outtakes
%
Mal: "Whoa, Whoa, you see that?  You see it, right?  You see that?"

Mal: "Turn?  Would you turn?"

Wash: "You want to fly this thing?"

Mal: "You want me... would you pull over?  Is that what you call what you're
doing?"

Wash: "I will pull over this spaceship right now!"

Mal: "Christ almighty!"

Wash: "Dammit, I don't need a back spaceship driver!"

Mal: "Get out of the way!!!"

Wash: "Christ, that's it!" (throws up hands, leaves seat) "You wanna fly,
f'in fly!" (off set) "I'll be in my bunk."
				--"Serenity", outtakes
%
Everyone: "Summer!"

[Ed: It was a running joke on-set that whenever anything went wrong, it was
actress Summer Glau (River)'s fault.]

				--"Serenity", outtakes
%
Mal: "TRAAAAAAAAAAPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!"
				--"Serenity", outtakes
%
Mal: "Don't f'in tell me what to goddamn do!"

Kaylee: (laughing) "Goddamn do?"
				--"Serenity", outtakes
%
Mal: "Get these bodies together!"

Zoe: "We got time for gravedigging?"

Mal: "Zoe, take this and rope them together; five or six of them, I want
them laid out on the nose of our ship."

Simon: "Are you insane?"

Mal: "Put Book front and center.  He's our friend; we should honor him. 
Kaylee!  Find that kid who's taking a dirt nap with Baby Jesus; we need a
hood ornament.  Jayne!  Try not to steal too much of their shit."
				--"Serenity", outtakes