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diff --git a/fortune-mod/.local/share/fortune/calvin b/fortune-mod/.local/share/fortune/calvin new file mode 100644 index 0000000..914631e --- /dev/null +++ b/fortune-mod/.local/share/fortune/calvin @@ -0,0 +1,478 @@ +That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness +isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria! + -- Calvin +% +The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure pure +reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be +an intimidating and impenetrable fog! + -- Calvin +% +Calvin: I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius. +Hobbes: What's misunderstood about you? +Calvin: Nobody thinks I'm a genius. +% +Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test. + -- Calvin +% +Calvin: Can you make a living playing silly games? +His Dad: Actually, you can be among the most overpaid people on the + planet. +% +If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it +again. + -- Calvin +% +The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no +real application in life. + -- Calvin +% +Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the +best of the choices available. Some people are idealists, standing for +principle and refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any +whim that enters their heads. I pragmatically turn my whims into +principles! + -- Calvin +% +Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists +elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. + -- Calvin +% +It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool. + -- Calvin +% +The real fun of living wisely is that you get to be smug about it. + -- Calvin +% +Calvin: Know what I pray for? +Hobbes: What? +Calvin: The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what + I can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference. +% +I say, if your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to +seriously re-examine your life. + -- Calvin +% +But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the old gods! He +demands sacrifice! + -- Calvin +% +It's psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw. + -- Calvin +% +Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous? + -- Calvin +% +Hobbes: What would you call the creation of the universe? +Calvin: The Horrendous Space Kablooie! +% +If something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, +then it's probably not worth knowing anyway. + -- Calvin +% +Who wouldn't be interested in everything we do?! + -- Calvin +% +I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each +other's dreams, we can play together all night. + -- Calvin +% +This one's tricky. You have to use imaginary numbers, like eleventeen +... + -- Hobbes +% +You can present the material, but you can't make me care. + -- Calvin +% +YAAH! DEATH TO OATMEAL! + -- Calvin +% +From now on, I'll connect the dots my own way. + -- Calvin +% +I'm learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my +life ... Procrastinating and rationalizing. + -- Calvin +% +Reality continues to ruin my life. + -- Calvin +% +Calvin: Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my +thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. +Hobbes: Probably so we can think twice. +% +I liked things better when I didn't understand them. + -- Calvin +% +Is it a right to remain ignorant? + -- Calvin +% +I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less +distraction. + -- Calvin +% +Miss Wormwood: What state do you live in? +Calvin: Denial. +Miss Wormwood: I don't suppose I can argue with that... +% +What's the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if +nobody ever asks to see 'em? + -- Calvin +% +My life needs a rewind/erase button. + -- Calvin +% +Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely +pointless. + -- Calvin +% +You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't +help. + -- Calvin +% +I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a +cruel trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really +comprehend the magnitude of it. + -- Calvin +% +Susie: You'd get a good grade without doing any work. +Calvin: So? +Susie: It's wrong to get rewards you haven't earned. +Calvin: I've never heard of anyone who couldn't live with that. +% +If you couldn't find any weirdness, maybe we'll just have to make some! + -- Calvin +% +"MOM, CAN I SET FIRE TO MY BED MATTRESS?" "No, Calvin." "CAN I RIDE MY +TRICYCLE ON THE ROOF?" "No, Calvin." "Then can I have a cookie?" "No, +Calvin." ("She's on to me.") +% +I like to say "quark"! Quark, quark, quark, quark! + -- Calvin +% +I don't need to compromise my principles, because they don't have the +slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway. + -- Calvin +% +For your information, I'm staying like this, and everyone else can just +get used to it! If people don't like me the way I am, well TOUGH BEANS! +It's a free country! I don't need anyone's permission to be the way I +want! This is how I am - Take it or leave it! + -- Calvin +% +Know what I pray for? The strength to change what I can, the inability +to accept what I can't and the incapacity to tell the difference. + -- Calvin +% +As usual, goodness hardly puts up a fight. + -- Calvin +% +If we don't all watch the same TV, what will keep our culture +homogeneous? + -- Calvin +% +My behaviour is addictive functioning in a disease process of toxic +co-dependency. I need holistic healing and wellness before I'll accept +any responsibility for my actions. + -- Calvin +% +My family is dysfunctional and my parents won't empower me. +Consequently I'm not self actualized. + -- Calvin +% +Nothing I do is my fault. + -- Calvin +% +Why should I have to work for everything? It's like saying that I don't +deserve it. + -- Calvin +% +Why do we drink cow's milk? Who was the first guy who first looked at a +cow and said "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things +when I squeeze 'em!"? + -- Calvin +% +Hobbes: What if the public doesn't like your work? +Calvin: They are not supposed to like it. This is avant-garde stuff! + I'm criticizing the low brows who can't appreciate great art + like this! +% +I don't need to compromise my principles, because they don't have the +slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway. + -- Calvin +% +The dame was hysterical. Dames usually are. + -- Calvin as Tracer Bullet +% +Thank you. before I begin, I'd like everyone to notice that my report +is in a professional, clear plastic binder... When a report looks this +good, you know it'll get an A. That's a tip kids. Write it down. + -- Calvin +% +Calvin: I think we have got enough information now, don't you? +Hobbes: All we have is one "fact" that you made up. +Calvin: That's plenty. By the time we add an introduction, a few + illustrations and a conclusion, it'll look like a graduate + thesis. +% +Wormwood: Calvin, how about you? +Calvin: Hard to say ma'am. I think my cerebellum just fused. +% +If you want to stay dad you've got to polish your image. I think the +image we need to create for you is "repentant but learning". + -- Calvin +% +"Dad buried in landslide! Jubilant throngs fill streets! Stunned father +inconsolable - demands recount!" + -- Calvin +% +Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then +suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we have made. But it is +too late to change anything. + -- Calvin +% +Sometimes it seems things go by too quickly. We are so busy watching +out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take the time to enjoy +where we are. + -- Calvin +% +Hobbes: Well, you still have afternoons and weekends. +Calvin: That's when I watch TV. +% +Hobbes: Shouldn't we read the instructions? +Calvin: Do I look like a sissy? +% +You know what we need, Hobbes? We need an attitude. Yeah, you can't be +cool if you don't have an attitude. + -- Calvin +% +Why can't I ever build character at a Miami condo or a casino somewhere? + -- Calvin +% +Sometimes one should just look at things and think about things without +doing things. + -- Calvin +% +What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with lassie? A melon-collie +baby! Get it?? HA HA HA OH OH HA HA! + -- Calvin +% +Hobbes: How is the diorama coming along? +Calvin: I'm almost finished. +Hobbes: I don't see the roadrunner. Weren't you going to put one in? +Calvin: See the cotton balls I glued down? +Hobbes: Yeah? +Calvin: The roadrunner just ran out of the scene leaving behind clouds + of dust! +% +It must be awful to be a girl. I'm sure it's frustrating knowing that +men are bigger, stronger and better at abstract thought than women. +Really, if you are a girl, what would make you go on living? + -- Calvin, Dictator-For-Life, of GROSS (Get Rid Of + Slimy girlS) +% +There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want. + -- Calvin +% +Golly, I'd hate to have a kid like me! + -- Calvin +% +This is so cool I've to go to the bathroom. + -- Calvin +% +I imagine girls and bugs have a dim perception that nature played a +cruel trick on them but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend +the magnitude of it. + -- Calvin +% +Dad are you vicariously living through me in the hope that my +accomplishments will validate your mediocre life and in some way +compensate for all the opportunities you botched? + -- Calvin +% +If you care, you just get disappointed all the time. If you don't care +nothing matters so you are never upset. + -- Calvin +% +Life is full of surprises but never when you need one. + -- Calvin +% +I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and +happiness. + -- Calvin +% +"The dynamics of inter-being and mono logical imperatives in Dick and +Jane: A study in psychic transrelational gender modes". Academia, here +I come. + -- Calvin +% +Miss Wormwood: Calvin where was the Byzantine empire? +Calvin: I'll take "outer planets" for $100. +% +How many boards would the Mongols hoard if the Mongol hordes got bored? + -- Calvin +% +I thrive on change... I thrive on making other people change. + -- Calvin +% +Be careful or be road-kill. + -- Calvin +% +A good compromise leaves everyone mad. + -- Calvin +% +Given that sooner or later we're all just going to die, what's the +point of learning about integers? + -- Calvin +% +Miss Wormwood, could we arrange our seats in a little circle and have a +little discussion? Specifically, I'd like to debate whether cannibalism +ought to be grounds for leniency in murders since it is less wasteful. + -- Calvin +% +The only skills I have patience to learn are those that have no real +application in life. + -- Calvin +% +You don't get to be mom if you can't fix everything just right. + -- Calvin +% +Calvin: Who can fathom the feminine mind? +Hobbes: I like 'em anyway. +% +If people could put rainbows in zoos, they'd do it. + -- Hobbes +% +Summer is butter on your chin and corn mush between every tooth. + -- Calvin +% +If we wanted more leisure, we'd invent machines that do things less +efficiently. + -- Calvin's dad +% +To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible. + -- Calvin +% +Susie: When life gives you a lemon, make lemonade. +Calvin: I say, when life gives you a lemon, wing it right back and add + some lemons of your own! +% +If good things lasted forever, would we appreciate how precious they +are? + -- Hobbes +% +But the important thing is persistence. + -- Calvin trying to juggle eggs +% +I suppose the secret to happiness is learning to appreciate the moment. + -- Calvin +% +Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely +pointless. + -- Calvin +% +It's hard to be mad at someone who misses you while you're asleep. + -- Calvin +% +Oops, I always forget the purpose of competition is to divide people +into winners and losers. + -- Hobbes being sarcastic +% +Someday I'll write my own philosophy book. + -- Calvin +% +Some things don't need the thought people give them. + -- Hobbes +% +Mom knows EVERYTHING! + -- Calvin +% +I'm a simple man with complex tastes. + -- Calvin +% +Endorsing products is the American way of expressing individuality. + -- Calvin +% +One of the joys of being a kid is that experiences are new and +therefore more intense. + -- Calvin sniffing mustard +% +It's great to have a friend who appreciates an earnest discussion of +ideas. + -- Calvin +% +That's the problem with science. You've got a bunch of empiricists +trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder. + -- Calvin +% +All this modern technology just makes people try to do everything at +once. + -- Hobbes +% +I suppose if we couldn't laugh at things that don't make sense, we +couldn't react to a lot of life. + -- Hobbes +% +I don't understand this! Not a single part of my horoscope came true! +... The paper should print Mom's daily predictions. Those sure come +true. + -- Calvin +% +I don't know which is worse, ...that everyone has his price, or that +the price is always so low. + -- Calvin +% +I propose we leave math to the machines and go play outside. + -- Calvin +% +It takes an uncommon mind to think of these things. + -- Calvin +% +That's the problem with nature, something's always stinging you or +oozing mucous all over you. Let's go and watch TV. + -- Calvin +% +As a math atheist, I think I should be excused from this. + -- Calvin, to Hobbes +% +This game lends itself to certain abuses. + -- Calvin +% +I'm just very selective about the reality I choose to accept. + -- Calvin +% +I have plenty of common sense, I just choose to ignore it. + -- Calvin +% +A voice crackles in Calvin's radio: + "Enemy fighters at two o'clock!" + "Roger. What should I do until then?" +% +I'm looking for something that can deliver a 50-pound payload of snow +on a small feminine target. Can you suggest something? Hello...? + -- Calvin +% +My ethicator machine must've had a built-in moral compromise spectral +release phantasmatron! I'm a genius! + -- Calvin +% +That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of +empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder. + -- Calvin +% +Until you stalk and overrun, you can't devour anyone. + -- Hobbes +% +The inside of my head was exploding with fireworks. Fortunately, my +last thought turned out the lights when it left. + -- Calvin +% +Mom and dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I +believe in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it. + -- Calvin +% +Verbing weirds language. + -- Calvin +% +The intrepid Spaceman Spiff is stranded on a distant planet! ...our +hero ruefully acknowledges that this happens fairly frequently... + -- Calvin as Spaceman Spiff |