path: root/fortune/calvin

   That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't
good enough for me! I demand euphoria!	-- Calvin
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   The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure pure reasoning, and
inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and
impenetrable fog!  -- Calvin
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   Calvin: I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius.  Hobbes: What's
misunderstood about you?  Calvin: Nobody thinks I'm a genius.  -- Calvin
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   Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test.  -- Calvin
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   Calvin: Can you make a living playing silly games?  His Dad: Actually, you
can be among the most overpaid people on the planet.
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   If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it
again.  -- Calvin
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   The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no real
application in life.  -- Calvin
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   Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best
of the choices available. Some people are idealists, standing for principle and
refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any whim that enters their
heads. I pragmatically turn my whims into principles!  -- Calvin
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   Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in
the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.  -- Calvin
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   It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.
		  -- Calvin
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   The real fun of living wisely is that you get to be smug about it.
		  -- Calvin
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   Calvin: Know what I pray for?  Hobbes: What?  Calvin: The strength to change
what I can, the inability to accept what I can't, and the incapacity to tell
the difference.  -- Calvin
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   I say, if your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to
seriously re-examine your life.  -- Calvin
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   But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the old gods! He demands
sacrifice!  -- Calvin
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   It's psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw.
		  -- Calvin
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   Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?
		  -- Calvin
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   Hobbes: What would you call the creation of the universe?  
   Calvin: The Horrendous Space Kablooie!
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   If something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then
it's probably not worth knowing anyway.  -- Calvin
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   Who wouldn't be interested in everything we do?!
		  -- Calvin
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   I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each
other's dreams, we can play together all night.	  -- Calvin
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   This one's tricky. You have to use imaginary numbers, like eleventeen ...
		  -- Hobbes
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   You can present the material, but you can't make me care.
		  -- Calvin
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   YAAH! DEATH TO OATMEAL!
		  -- Calvin
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   From now on, I'll connect the dots my own way.
		  -- Calvin
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   I'm learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life ...
Procrastinating and rationalizing.  -- Calvin
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   Reality continues to ruin my life.
		  -- Calvin
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   Calvin: Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts.
I wonder why we think faster than we speak.  Hobbes: Probably so we can think
twice.
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   I liked things better when I didn't understand them.
		  -- Calvin
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   Is it a right to remain ignorant?
		  -- Calvin
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   I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less
distraction.	  -- Calvin
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   Miss Wormwood: What state do you live in?  
   Calvin: Denial.  
   Miss Wormwood: I don't suppose I can argue with that...
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   What's the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody
ever asks to see 'em?  -- Calvin
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   My life needs a rewind/erase button.
		  -- Calvin
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   Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely
pointless.	  -- Calvin
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   You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help.
		  -- Calvin
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   I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a cruel
trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the
magnitude of it.	  -- Calvin
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   Susie: You'd get a good grade without doing any work.  
   Calvin: So?  
   Susie: It's wrong to get rewards you haven't earned.  
   Calvin: I've never heard of anyone who couldn't live with that.
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   If you couldn't find any weirdness, maybe we'll just have to make some!
		  -- Calvin
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   "MOM, CAN I SET FIRE TO MY BED MATTRESS?" "No, Calvin." "CAN I RIDE MY
TRICYCLE ON THE ROOF?" "No, Calvin." "Then can I have a cookie?" "No, Calvin."
("She's on to me.")
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   I like to say "quark"! Quark, quark, quark, quark!
		  -- Calvin
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   I don't need to compromise my principles, because they don't have the
slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway.	  -- Calvin
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   For your information, I'm staying like this, and everyone else can just get
used to it! If people don't like me the way I am, well TOUGH BEANS! It's a free
country! I don't need anyone's permission to be the way I want! This is how I
am - Take it or leave it!	  -- Calvin
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   Know what I pray for? The strength to change what I can, the inability to
accept what I can't and the incapacity to tell the difference.	  -- Calvin
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   As usual, goodness hardly puts up a fight.
		  -- Calvin
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   If we don't all watch the same TV, what will keep our culture homogeneous?
		  -- Calvin
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   My behaviour is addictive functioning in a disease process of toxic
co-dependency. I need holistic healing and wellness before I'll accept any
responsibility for my actions.	  -- Calvin
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   My family is dysfunctional and my parents won't empower me.  Consequently
I'm not self actualized.	  -- Calvin
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   Nothing I do is my fault.
		  -- Calvin
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   Why should I have to work for everything? It's like saying that I don't
deserve it.	  -- Calvin
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   Why do we drink cow's milk? Who was the first guy who first looked at a cow
and said "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze
'em!"?	  -- Calvin
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   Hobbes : What if the public doesn't like your work?  
   Calvin : They are not supposed to like it. This is avant-garde stuff!  
            I'm criticizing the low brows who can't appreciate great art 
            like this!
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   I don't need to compromise my principles, because they don't have the
slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway.	  -- Calvin
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   The dame was hysterical. Dames Usually are.  -- Calvin as Tracer Bullet
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   Thank you. before I begin, I'd like everyone to notice that my report is in
a professional, clear plastic binder...When a report looks this good, you know
it'll get an A. That's a tip kids. Write it down.	  -- Calvin
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   Calvin : I think we have got enough information now, don't you?  
   Hobbes : All we have is one "fact" that you made up.  
   Calvin : That's plenty. By the time we add an introduction, a few 
            illustrations and a conclusion, it'll look like a graduate thesis.
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   Wormwood : Calvin, how about you?  
   Calvin : Hard to say ma'am. I think my cerebellum just fused.
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   If you want to stay dad you've got to polish your image. I think the image
we need to create for you is "repentant but learning".	  -- Calvin
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   "Dad buried in landslide! Jubilant throngs fill streets! Stunned father
inconsolable - demands recount!"	  -- Calvin
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   Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly
we wake up and see all the mistakes we have made. But it is too late to change
anything.	  -- Calvin
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   Sometimes it seems things go by too quickly. We are so busy watching out for
what's just ahead of us that we don't take the time to enjoy where we are.
		  -- Calvin
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   Hobbes : Well, you still have afternoons and weekends 
   Calvin : That's when I watch TV.
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   Hobbes : Shouldn't we read the instructions?  
   Calvin : Do I look like a sissy?
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   You know what we need, Hobbes? We need an attitude. Yeah, you can't be cool
if you don't have an attitude.	  -- Calvin
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   Why can't I ever build character at a Miami condo or a casino somewhere?
		  -- Calvin
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   Sometimes one should just look at things and think about things without
doing things.	  -- Calvin
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   What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with lassie?  A melon-collie
baby! Get it?? HA HA HA OH OH HA HA!	  -- Calvin
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   Hobbes : How is the diorama coming along?  
   Calvin : I'm almost finished.
   Hobbes : I don't see the roadrunner. Weren't you going to put one in?  
   Calvin : See the cotton balls I glued down?  
   Hobbes : Yeah?  
   Calvin : The roadrunner just ran out of the scene leaving behind clouds 
            of dust!
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   It must be awful to be a girl. I'm sure it's frustrating knowing that men
are bigger, stronger and better at abstract thought than women.  Really, if you
are a girl, what would make you go on living?  --Calvin, Dictator-For-Life, of
GROSS (Get Rid Of Slimy girlS) 
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   There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
		  -- Calvin
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   Golly, I'd hate to have a kid like me!
			  -- Calvin
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   This is so cool I've to go to the bathroom.
			  -- Calvin
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   I imagine girls and bugs have a dim perception that nature played a cruel
trick on them but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude
of it.	  -- Calvin
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   Dad are you vicariously living through me in the hope that my
accomplishments will validate your mediocre life and in some way compensate for
all the opportunities you botched ?	  -- Calvin
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   If you care, you just get disappointed all the time. If you don't care
nothing matters so you are never upset.	  -- Calvin
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   Life is full of surprises but never when you need one.
			  -- Calvin
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   I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and
happiness.	  -- Calvin
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   "The dynamics of inter-being and mono logical imperatives in Dick and Jane :
A study in psychic transrelational gender modes". Academia, here I come.
		  -- Calvin
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   Miss Wormwood : Calvin where was the Byzantine empire?  
   Calvin : I'll take "outer planets" for $100.
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   How many boards would the Mongols hoard if the Mongol hordes got bored?
		  -- Calvin
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   I thrive on change... I thrive on making other people change.
		  -- Calvin
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   Be careful or be road-kill.
		  -- Calvin
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   A good compromise leaves everyone mad.
		  -- Calvin
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   Given that sooner or later we're all just going to die, what's the point of
learning about integers?	  -- Calvin
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   Miss Wormwood, could we arrange our seats in a little circle and have a
little discussion? Specifically, I'd like to debate whether cannibalism ought
to be grounds for leniency in murders since it is less wasteful.
		  -- Calvin
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   The only skills I have patience to learn are those that have no real
application in life.	  -- Calvin
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   "You don't get to be mom if you can't fix everything just right." -Calvin
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   "Who can fathom the feminine mind?" -Calvin "I like `em anyway" -Hobbes
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   "If people could put rainbows in zoos, they'd do it." -Hobbes
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   "Summer is butter on your chin and corn mush between every tooth." -Calvin
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   "If we wanted more leisure, we'd invent machines that do things less
efficiently." -Calvin's dad
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   "To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible." -Calvin
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   "When life gives you a lemon, make lemonade." -Susie "I say, when life gives
you a lemon, wing it right back and add some lemons of your own!" -Calvin
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   "If good things lasted forever, would we appreciate how precious they are?"
-Hobbes
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   "But the important thing is persistence." -Calvin trying to juggle eggs
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   "I suppose the secret to happiness is learning to appreciate the moment."
-Calvin
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   "Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely
pointless." -Calvin
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   "It's hard to be mad at someone who misses you while you're asleep." -Calvin
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   "Oops, I always forget the purpose of competition is to divide people into
winners and losers." -Hobbes being sarcastic
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   "Someday I'll write my own philosophy book." -Calvin
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   "Some things don't need the thought people give them."  -Hobbes
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   "Mom knows EVERYTHING"  -Calvin
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   "I'm a simple man with complex tastes."  -Calvin
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   "Endorsing products is the American way of expressing individuality."
-Calvin
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   "One of the joys of being a kid is that experiences are new and therefore
more intense."  -Calvin sniffing mustard
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   "It's great to have a friend who appreciates an earnest discussion of
ideas."  -Calvin
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   "That's the problem with science.  You've got a bunch of empiricists trying
to describe things of unimaginable wonder." -Calvin
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   "All this modern technology just makes people try to do everything at once."
-Hobbes
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   "I suppose if we couldn't laugh at things that don't make sense, we couldn't
react to a lot of life."  -Hobbes
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   "I don't understand this!  Not a single part of my horoscope came true!  ...
The paper should print Mom's daily predictions.  Those sure come true."
-Calvin
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   "I don't know which is worse,  ...that everyone has his price, or that the
price is always so low."  -Calvin
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   "I propose we leave math to the machines and go play outside."
              --- Calvin
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   It takes an uncommon mind to think of these things.
              --- Calvin
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   "That's the problem with nature, something's always stinging you
   or oozing mucous all over you. Let's go and watch TV."
              --- Calvin
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   As a math atheist, I think I should be excused from this.
              --- Calvin, to Hobbes
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   This game lends itself to certain abuses.
              --- Calvin
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   I'm just very selective about the reality I choose to accept.
              --- Calvin
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   I have plenty of common sense, I just choose to ignore it.
              --- Calvin
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   A voice crackles in Calvin's radio:
   "Enemy fighters at two o'clock!"
   "Roger. What should I do until then?"
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   I'm looking for something that can deliver a 50-pound payload of snow
   on a small feminine target. Can you suggest something? Hello...?
              --- Calvin
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   "My ethicator machine must've had a built-in moral compromise
   spectral release phantasmatron! I'm a genius!"  --- Calvin
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   "That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of
   empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder."
              --- Calvin
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   "Until you stalk and overrun, you can't devour anyone."
              --- Hobbes
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   "The inside of my head was exploding with fireworks. Fortunately,
   my last thought turned out the lights when it left."
              --- Calvin
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   "Mom and dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I
   believe in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it."
              --- Calvin
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   Verbing weirds language.
              --- Calvin.
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   "The intrepid Spaceman Spiff is stranded on a distant planet!
   ..our hero ruefully acknowledges that this happens fairly
   frequently.."              --- Calvin and Hobbes