path: root/local/share/fortune/calvin

That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness 
isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!
		-- Calvin
%
The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure pure 
reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be 
an intimidating and impenetrable fog!
		-- Calvin
%
Calvin: I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius.
Hobbes: What's misunderstood about you?
Calvin: Nobody thinks I'm a genius.
%
Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test.
		-- Calvin
%
Calvin: Can you make a living playing silly games?
His Dad: Actually, you can be among the most overpaid people on the 
         planet.
%
If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it 
again.
		-- Calvin
%
The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no 
real application in life.
		-- Calvin
%
Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the 
best of the choices available. Some people are idealists, standing for 
principle and refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any 
whim that enters their heads. I pragmatically turn my whims into 
principles!
		-- Calvin
%
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists 
elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
		-- Calvin
%
It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.
		-- Calvin
%
The real fun of living wisely is that you get to be smug about it.
		-- Calvin
%
Calvin: Know what I pray for?
Hobbes: What?
Calvin: The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what 
        I can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference.
%
I say, if your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to 
seriously re-examine your life.
		-- Calvin
%
But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the old gods! He 
demands sacrifice!
		-- Calvin
%
It's psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw.
		-- Calvin
%
Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?
		-- Calvin
%
Hobbes: What would you call the creation of the universe?  
Calvin: The Horrendous Space Kablooie!
%
If something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, 
then it's probably not worth knowing anyway.
		-- Calvin
%
Who wouldn't be interested in everything we do?!
		-- Calvin
%
I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each 
other's dreams, we can play together all night.
		-- Calvin
%
This one's tricky. You have to use imaginary numbers, like eleventeen 
...
		-- Hobbes
%
You can present the material, but you can't make me care.
		-- Calvin
%
YAAH! DEATH TO OATMEAL!
		-- Calvin
%
From now on, I'll connect the dots my own way.
		-- Calvin
%
I'm learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my 
life ... Procrastinating and rationalizing.
		-- Calvin
%
Reality continues to ruin my life.
		-- Calvin
%
Calvin: Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my 
thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak.
Hobbes: Probably so we can think twice.
%
I liked things better when I didn't understand them.
		-- Calvin
%
Is it a right to remain ignorant?
		-- Calvin
%
I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less 
distraction.
		-- Calvin
%
Miss Wormwood: What state do you live in?  
Calvin: Denial.  
Miss Wormwood: I don't suppose I can argue with that...
%
What's the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if 
nobody ever asks to see 'em?
		-- Calvin
%
My life needs a rewind/erase button.
		-- Calvin
%
Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely
pointless.
		-- Calvin
%
You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't 
help.
		-- Calvin
%
I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a 
cruel trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really 
comprehend the magnitude of it.
		-- Calvin
%
Susie: You'd get a good grade without doing any work.
Calvin: So?
Susie: It's wrong to get rewards you haven't earned.
Calvin: I've never heard of anyone who couldn't live with that.
%
If you couldn't find any weirdness, maybe we'll just have to make some!
		-- Calvin
%
"MOM, CAN I SET FIRE TO MY BED MATTRESS?" "No, Calvin." "CAN I RIDE MY 
TRICYCLE ON THE ROOF?" "No, Calvin." "Then can I have a cookie?" "No, 
Calvin." ("She's on to me.")
%
I like to say "quark"! Quark, quark, quark, quark!
		-- Calvin
%
I don't need to compromise my principles, because they don't have the 
slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway.
		-- Calvin
%
For your information, I'm staying like this, and everyone else can just 
get used to it! If people don't like me the way I am, well TOUGH BEANS! 
It's a free country! I don't need anyone's permission to be the way I 
want! This is how I am - Take it or leave it!
		-- Calvin
%
Know what I pray for? The strength to change what I can, the inability 
to accept what I can't and the incapacity to tell the difference.
		-- Calvin
%
As usual, goodness hardly puts up a fight.
		-- Calvin
%
If we don't all watch the same TV, what will keep our culture 
homogeneous?
		-- Calvin
%
My behaviour is addictive functioning in a disease process of toxic 
co-dependency. I need holistic healing and wellness before I'll accept 
any responsibility for my actions.
		-- Calvin
%
My family is dysfunctional and my parents won't empower me. 
Consequently I'm not self actualized.
		-- Calvin
%
Nothing I do is my fault.
		-- Calvin
%
Why should I have to work for everything? It's like saying that I don't 
deserve it.
		-- Calvin
%
Why do we drink cow's milk? Who was the first guy who first looked at a 
cow and said "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things 
when I squeeze 'em!"?
		-- Calvin
%
Hobbes: What if the public doesn't like your work?
Calvin: They are not supposed to like it. This is avant-garde stuff!
         I'm criticizing the low brows who can't appreciate great art
         like this!
%
I don't need to compromise my principles, because they don't have the 
slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway.
		-- Calvin
%
The dame was hysterical. Dames usually are.
		-- Calvin as Tracer Bullet
%
Thank you. before I begin, I'd like everyone to notice that my report 
is in a professional, clear plastic binder... When a report looks this 
good, you know it'll get an A. That's a tip kids. Write it down.
		-- Calvin
%
Calvin: I think we have got enough information now, don't you?
Hobbes: All we have is one "fact" that you made up.
Calvin: That's plenty. By the time we add an introduction, a few
        illustrations and a conclusion, it'll look like a graduate 
        thesis.
%
Wormwood: Calvin, how about you?
Calvin: Hard to say ma'am. I think my cerebellum just fused.
%
If you want to stay dad you've got to polish your image. I think the 
image we need to create for you is "repentant but learning".
		-- Calvin
%
"Dad buried in landslide! Jubilant throngs fill streets! Stunned father 
inconsolable - demands recount!"
		-- Calvin
%
Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then 
suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we have made. But it is 
too late to change anything.
		-- Calvin
%
Sometimes it seems things go by too quickly. We are so busy watching 
out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take the time to enjoy 
where we are.
		-- Calvin
%
Hobbes: Well, you still have afternoons and weekends.
Calvin: That's when I watch TV.
%
Hobbes: Shouldn't we read the instructions?
Calvin: Do I look like a sissy?
%
You know what we need, Hobbes? We need an attitude. Yeah, you can't be 
cool if you don't have an attitude.
		-- Calvin
%
Why can't I ever build character at a Miami condo or a casino somewhere?
		-- Calvin
%
Sometimes one should just look at things and think about things without 
doing things.
		-- Calvin
%
What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with lassie? A melon-collie 
baby! Get it?? HA HA HA OH OH HA HA!
		-- Calvin
%
Hobbes: How is the diorama coming along?
Calvin: I'm almost finished.
Hobbes: I don't see the roadrunner. Weren't you going to put one in?
Calvin: See the cotton balls I glued down?
Hobbes: Yeah?
Calvin: The roadrunner just ran out of the scene leaving behind clouds
        of dust!
%
It must be awful to be a girl. I'm sure it's frustrating knowing that 
men are bigger, stronger and better at abstract thought than women.  
Really, if you are a girl, what would make you go on living?
		-- Calvin, Dictator-For-Life, of GROSS (Get Rid Of 
		   Slimy girlS) 
%
There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
		-- Calvin
%
Golly, I'd hate to have a kid like me!
		-- Calvin
%
This is so cool I've to go to the bathroom.
		-- Calvin
%
I imagine girls and bugs have a dim perception that nature played a 
cruel trick on them but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend 
the magnitude of it.
		-- Calvin
%
Dad are you vicariously living through me in the hope that my 
accomplishments will validate your mediocre life and in some way 
compensate for all the opportunities you botched?
		-- Calvin
%
If you care, you just get disappointed all the time. If you don't care 
nothing matters so you are never upset.
		-- Calvin
%
Life is full of surprises but never when you need one.
		-- Calvin
%
I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and 
happiness.
		-- Calvin
%
"The dynamics of inter-being and mono logical imperatives in Dick and 
Jane: A study in psychic transrelational gender modes". Academia, here 
I come.
		-- Calvin
%
Miss Wormwood: Calvin where was the Byzantine empire?  
Calvin: I'll take "outer planets" for $100.
%
How many boards would the Mongols hoard if the Mongol hordes got bored?
		-- Calvin
%
I thrive on change... I thrive on making other people change.
		-- Calvin
%
Be careful or be road-kill.
		-- Calvin
%
A good compromise leaves everyone mad.
		-- Calvin
%
Given that sooner or later we're all just going to die, what's the 
point of learning about integers?
		-- Calvin
%
Miss Wormwood, could we arrange our seats in a little circle and have a 
little discussion? Specifically, I'd like to debate whether cannibalism 
ought to be grounds for leniency in murders since it is less wasteful.
		-- Calvin
%
The only skills I have patience to learn are those that have no real 
application in life.
		-- Calvin
%
You don't get to be mom if you can't fix everything just right.
		-- Calvin
%
Calvin: Who can fathom the feminine mind?
Hobbes: I like 'em anyway.
%
If people could put rainbows in zoos, they'd do it.
		-- Hobbes
%
Summer is butter on your chin and corn mush between every tooth.
		-- Calvin
%
If we wanted more leisure, we'd invent machines that do things less 
efficiently.
		-- Calvin's dad
%
To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible.
		-- Calvin
%
Susie: When life gives you a lemon, make lemonade.
Calvin: I say, when life gives you a lemon, wing it right back and add 
        some lemons of your own!
%
If good things lasted forever, would we appreciate how precious they 
are?
		-- Hobbes
%
But the important thing is persistence.
		-- Calvin trying to juggle eggs
%
I suppose the secret to happiness is learning to appreciate the moment.
		-- Calvin
%
Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely 
pointless.
		-- Calvin
%
It's hard to be mad at someone who misses you while you're asleep.
		-- Calvin
%
Oops, I always forget the purpose of competition is to divide people 
into winners and losers.
		-- Hobbes being sarcastic
%
Someday I'll write my own philosophy book.
		-- Calvin
%
Some things don't need the thought people give them.
		-- Hobbes
%
Mom knows EVERYTHING!
		-- Calvin
%
I'm a simple man with complex tastes.
		-- Calvin
%
Endorsing products is the American way of expressing individuality.
		-- Calvin
%
One of the joys of being a kid is that experiences are new and 
therefore more intense.
		-- Calvin sniffing mustard
%
It's great to have a friend who appreciates an earnest discussion of 
ideas.
		-- Calvin
%
That's the problem with science. You've got a bunch of empiricists 
trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder.
		-- Calvin
%
All this modern technology just makes people try to do everything at 
once.
		-- Hobbes
%
I suppose if we couldn't laugh at things that don't make sense, we 
couldn't react to a lot of life.
		-- Hobbes
%
I don't understand this!  Not a single part of my horoscope came true! 
... The paper should print Mom's daily predictions. Those sure come 
true.
		-- Calvin
%
I don't know which is worse, ...that everyone has his price, or that 
the price is always so low.
		-- Calvin
%
I propose we leave math to the machines and go play outside.
		-- Calvin
%
It takes an uncommon mind to think of these things.
		-- Calvin
%
That's the problem with nature, something's always stinging you or 
oozing mucous all over you. Let's go and watch TV.
		-- Calvin
%
As a math atheist, I think I should be excused from this.
		-- Calvin, to Hobbes
%
This game lends itself to certain abuses.
		-- Calvin
%
I'm just very selective about the reality I choose to accept.
		-- Calvin
%
I have plenty of common sense, I just choose to ignore it.
		-- Calvin
%
A voice crackles in Calvin's radio:
	"Enemy fighters at two o'clock!"
	"Roger. What should I do until then?"
%
I'm looking for something that can deliver a 50-pound payload of snow 
on a small feminine target. Can you suggest something? Hello...?
		-- Calvin
%
My ethicator machine must've had a built-in moral compromise spectral 
release phantasmatron! I'm a genius!
		-- Calvin
%
That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of 
empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder.
		-- Calvin
%
Until you stalk and overrun, you can't devour anyone.
		-- Hobbes
%
The inside of my head was exploding with fireworks. Fortunately, my 
last thought turned out the lights when it left.
		-- Calvin
%
Mom and dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I 
believe in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it.
		-- Calvin
%
Verbing weirds language.
		-- Calvin
%
The intrepid Spaceman Spiff is stranded on a distant planet! ...our 
hero ruefully acknowledges that this happens fairly frequently...
		-- Calvin as Spaceman Spiff